5 Critically Derided Albums That Are Actually Pretty Damned Good

This is a failed submission for cracked.com, because they don't want opinion pieces.  Oh well, their loss is your gain.  Enjoy!

5 Critically Derided Albums That Are Actually Pretty Damned Good

Art, whether it be paintings, movies, music, or people farting along to music (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uV8boXLV0ik), is subjective.  At least that's what I told my friend - in between punches - while defending my stance regarding the subtle artistry of the rest of Los Del Rio's album (we all know they sold out with Macarena).  It turns out it's especially enraging when you, if you are like me, go online to have your opinion of your new favorite album reinforced by your favorite online reviewer (let's call him Bob Smith) only to see that Dicky McCockalot (that's his new name) not only didn't love it, but actively hated it.  Sometimes, time will prove that this was just a reviewer's personal bias getting in the way of a brilliant piece of art, while other times you will shift your own opinion to reflect what Dicky thought when you hear the flaws that you may have missed the first time around.  These examples are in reference to the former.

5. Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP 2

The score: 4.7 out of 10 via Pitchfork

A sample line from the critical review:  "The Marshall Mathers LP 2 is an album-length bout of moral recidivism, Recovery’s motivational rehab narrative ditched wholesale for a second helping of the celeb-hating, self-deprecating juvenalia of Eminem’s beloved third album peppered with samples of and references to the source material."

This album was just released, so it doesn't have quite the "time-tested" safety net of some of the others on this list, but upon first listen, I was hooked.  After several albums of muppet voiced nonsense and songs for 23 year old slightly too old to be sorority girls who just broke up with their "true loves", Eminem comes back with this - a throwback to what made people like me love him in the first place.  No, not the homophobia (which is unfortunate on a surface level, but so self-referential and tongue in cheek that the tongue has actually fused to the cheek and become some sort of cheek-tongue hybrid creation), but the masterful wordplay, playfulness, and all around chops that made him, at the very least, in the discussion of "Greatest Rapper Alive".  But you know what's the best part of it all?  That it's a "second helping of the celeb-hating, self-deprecating juvenalia of Eminem’s beloved third album peppered with samples of and references to the source material."  That exactly what Eminem fans have been wanting for years, and it delivers.  The only guest rapper is Kendrick Lamar, and he actually sounds like he's having fun (for once) on their track together.  That track, by the way, "Love Game", references and emulates A Tribe Called Quest's classic "Scenario" and has a stretch in which Eminem is rapping in character as a girl giving him a blowjob.  What's not to love?

4. Deltron 3030: Event II

Score: 5.7 (out of 10) via Pitchfork

A sample line from the critical review: "Well, despite the overcooked jumble of your typical oft-delayed all-star concept record, it really does fall together as pure music."

Another of 2013's highly anticipated big rap sequels to come out, this one released just weeks before The Marshall Mathers LP 2, to similarly middling reviews.  A little history: the original Deltron 3030 released in the year 2000 (which is how you have to say that year) to rave reviews and even ravier fans.  It was a collaboration between Del The Funkee Homosapien, Dan the Automator, and Kid Koala.  If you know what any of the words in that series means, you don't need me to tell you that they are some of the finest rappers and producer/DJ's in hip hop history.  It was a futuristic-y concept album with huge name special guests, bombastic and innovative beats, combined with Del's general weird nerdiness.  It was awesome and retro and ahead of its time and fun.  The sequel loomed large for 10 plus years, and then finally, it was released.  And it too was awesome and retro and ahead of its time and fun.  The track "The Return" is the perfect follow up to the first album's "3030", in both lyrics and style.  There are fun bits thrown in by David Cross and Amber Tamblyn, and Del is just as dorkishly awesome as ever.   From stupid Pitchfork's stupid review, "it really does fall together as pure music".  Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that's what you were reviewing.

3. Ween: Quebec

Score: 40 (out of 100) via PopMatters

A sample line from the critical review:  "I will say that the music is often as catchy and unsettling as it ever was."

Ween is simultaneously the best and funniest and weirdest band that your weird friend's roomate from college absolutely worshiped.  I actually am that roommate, and I love Ween.  They grew a modicum of fame from their airing on one of Beavis and Butthead's video segments, which led to a cameo on the terrible "It's Pat, The Movie", based on a forgotten SNL sketch, and even a Spike Jonze directed "Buzz Clip" on MTV, for their song, "Freedom of '76".  In the years following, they became one of the absolute best live concerts one could see - well, until they broke up earlier this year.  Quebec is absolutely one of their finest albums, as it focused on their musicianship, which previously took a bit of a back seat to their crude and juvenile and hilarious humor.  One of the keys to enjoying Ween is figuring out which genre/band they are emulating - which happens and shifts many times per album - and seeing how they, in some ways, surpass them.  This album has elements of Motorhead, The Moody Blues, and even ragtime (!), but is mainly influenced by Pink Floyd-esque psychedelia.  It's extraordinarily well made, and is, quite frankly, a trip.

2. Massive Attack: 100th Window

Score:  40 (out of 100) via Q Magazine

A sample line from the critical review: "Everything comes dripping in portent and seems too in love with its own seriousness to excite any emotions."

Massive Attack is a British Trip Hop band who is by far the best band in any terribly named genre.  They are part of the "big three" trip hop bands who came to renown in the 90's, along with Portishead and former band-mate Tricky.  They are probably best known for being incredibly good, being the song Neo wakes up to in the first only Matrix movie, as well as being the band who made the theme song for "House".  They were initially a band of 4 members, with Tricky, then a band of three during their heyday and their revolutionary "Mezzanine", released in 1998 (which housed both the aforementioned Matrix song as well as the "House" theme), but for 100th Window, they were down to one member.  While it may not be the world burner that "Mezzanine" was, it was every bit as good and even more cohesive as an album.  It had a dark, dystopian feel, as well as some absolutely beautiful moments - listen to "Small Time Shot Away" and tell me you don't get shivers.  No matter what, it's an ageless album, and one that deserves to be at or near the top of their entire, impressive catalog.

1. Jay Z: Magna Carta Holy Grail

Score: 20 (out of 100) via Fact Magazine (UK)

A sample line from the critical review: "Magna Carta’s a mess, and not even an entertaining one--it’s simply a dull record by someone who’s in deep danger of going down as a dull human being."

One of the biggest tenants of both hip hop and Chappelle's Show is "keeping it real".  It is assumed that one must stay completly true to themselves (if they are a gangbanger) and not fabricate anything (if they are a college student music major), lest they lack street credibility, as the kids say.  Of course, most rappers are completely make-believe and tell second hand stories (at best) or just plain have someone else write their lyrics for them.  It's all about money.  Which is why Jay's last album is absolutely the most real hip hop album of the last few years.  He'd be disingenuous talking about working the streets in anything other than a past tense.  He raps about paintings and sculptures and being rich, because he actually is rich, and has sculptures and paintings.  One of the biggest, across-the-board detractions of the album was the cynical way in which it was marketed.  As a fan of music, I can tell you that one of the things that I most care about when judging the merits of its artistry is not the decision that white people made trying to attach it to a cell phone app.  It's well-produced, "real", and exactly the album Jay Z should putting out at this point in his career.