I coulda almost sorta been a contender...but not really.

Hi, me (I'm assuming I'm the only one reading this blog).  As I already know, I fairly recently sent in a submission to write for NBC Universal (late shows, Saturday Night Lives, and such), and haven't received a formal rejection letter - although, they said they wouldn't send one and the deadline to be notified was sometime in October.  But there's still hope!  Basically, the idea was to submit several monologue-esque jokes, several current event style jokes (which I probably failed at, seeing as how I still don't really know what the difference is between a current event joke and a monologue joke), and sketch ideas.  Seeing as how they aren't getting used anywhere else, I thought it might be fun to post some of the monologue/current event jokes I offered up, along with a review/discussion of each joke.  Let's do this mutha fucka.

Joke 1:

In the wake of the Anthony Weiner scandal, where it was revealed that he sexted and sent risque pictures of himself via twitter, officials on Capitol Hill are worried about possible copycat claims coming to light.   Representative Linda Fatcucci had no comment.

Review of Joke 1:

This is hilarious.  Although, in fairness, you kinda have to say it out loud, and be able to parse the Italian surname "Fatcucci" as "Fat Coochie" and know that "Coochie" is a slang term for "vagina".   Not a bad joke by any means.  Not a world beater, but whatever.

Joke 2:

Eighth grader Thomas Hurley III is a popular topic on social media since he recently lost on Jeopardy due to a spelling error on his Final Jeopardy question.  The boy added an extra "T" to the words "Emancipation Proclamation." Thomas' father said his son was "barely holding it together", from his home in Conntecticut.

Review of Joke 2:

I like this one too, me.  You see, Connecticut is spelled with an extra "T", just as Thomas Hurley spelled Emancipa---oh, fuck off.  They probably just thought I couldn't spell.

Joke 3:

In light of recent events, John Kerry says the drone attacks in Pakistan will go on and on and on and on...

Review of Joke 3:

See, the word "drone" has a double meaning.  Ugh.

Joke 4:

The founder of Amazon.com recently purchased the Washington Post.  After the sale went through, it was suggested to him that other users also bought the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and a weird sexual item that he drunkenly clicked on one lonely night.

Review of Joke 4:

Ok, I hate this joke.  BUT...close your eyes and read it again.  Wait, open your eyes, read it, then close them and imagine Jay Leno saying this.  It fits, right?  I'm almost glad I didn't get accepted because this is so fucking "Late Show" and terrible.

Joke 5:

Scientists recently discovered that one shark litter can stem from anywhere from 1 up to 5 father sharks. This is not completely uncommon, either - the phenomenon has been spotted amongst leopard sharks, small-spotted catsharks, bonnethead sharks, lemon sharks, nurse sharks and dirty whore sharks.

Review of Joke 5:

Get it?  They sleep around!  Fuck sharks, also.  I so don't give a shit when Shark Week happens.  I don't understand the mouth-breathers that do get excited, either.  Ooh, look at that borderline retarded animal eating other shit!  I'd rather watch smart animals displaying human-like behaviors, like porn stars.

Joke 6:

The CDC finds that half of new moms breastfeed.  The top half.

Review of Joke 6:

Not so much funny as not funny.  But, it's something.  Seemed SNL-ish.

So, there's a lot more.   A couple terrible sketches/skits, a bunch more monologue-y jokes, but I thought this was a good representation.  I hope you hated this as much as those fucks did.

Judge not, lest ye be shitty

So I'm writing this after the semi-controversial Hendricks vs GSP UFC fight.  If you even understand the combination of words and acronyms in that last sentence, you'll know what I'm talking about.  If you don't - here's the Cliff's Notes version: Johny Hendricks (that's the correct spelling) pretty much handed Georges St. Pierre (GSP, and that's also the correct spelling) his ass in a televised, pay-per-view fight on Saturday night for one of the handful of weight divided, UFC Championships.  And no, I'm not going to explain what UFC stands for.  Do some Goddamned googling for yourselves.  And also, no, I'm not going to dwell on how "UFC Championship" is  redundant.  Anyway, the fight on Saturday staged the wonderful, sweet, handsome, intelligent, hairless, and supremely skilled defending champion of the UFC Welterweight Division, Georges St. Pierre, vs. the thuggish, one punchish, beardish challenger, Johny Hendricks.

Let's dummy this down for a second to something we all can relate to.  Schoolyard fights.  When you watched your friends in a fight in 5th grade, did you say to yourself, "Wow, George really had a slightly advantageous offensive position during a few seconds of the 2nd and 4th fifth of the fight, so he won, even though Johny made him make poopy and cry on the way home."?

You probably didn't, but that's kinda what happened tonight.

It's not a problem with Georges, who really is an impossibly great ambassador for a sport that should (and typically does) reward disgusting brutality.  He's a smart, compassionate, knowledgeable guy.  He's nearly impossible not to like, other than his accent.  And even if you said "You have a stupid accent" RIGHT TO HIS FACE, I'm sure he would slap you on the back and say, "C'mon fella.  I am not impress with your humourrr" - at worst.  Or at least I'm banking on that.  He has been scary, record-breakingly good during his tenure as (one of the) UFC Champion(s), but he still lost tonight.

The problem is: the judging.  As has been a thorn in Boxing's side for the last...ever, UFC is finally starting to feel the heat of putting the decision in the judges' completely incapable hands.  And it's not even the judges fault, per se.  It's the issue of the rules in which they must score.  Theoretically, in a UFC fight, a guy could literally just lay on top of another guy for the first three rounds (assuming it's a championship fight), and then get his eye removed, his nose blasted around the back of his head, and a fucking hole in his neck punched completely through during the last two rounds, and the judges would still have to judge his rotting corpse the winner over his Macarena-dancing, not very good current celebration dance having opponent.  And this isn't a UFC specific problem, it's a Boxing problem, too - except Boxing is even more problematic and corrupt, because it's such a big business, and ...hey.  It's not.  UFC has finally reached Boxing levels of legitimacy!

So they say, "Don't leave it in the judges' hands".  But shouldn't you be able to?  Shouldn't you be able to trust a trained expert to see things in the favor of the person who did more right than the person who did more wrong?  Isn't that the way justice wor...oh.

So, here are my possible solutions:

1) If you're gonna have judges, make them judge the fight as a whole.
2) Failing that, we have the fucking internet.  Let us judge.
3) Failing that, just let the guys fight until they can't anymore and let them tell us who they think won at the end.

In fact, let's just go with 3.  It shouldn't really matter to any of us more than it does them.  And they know.

5 Critically Derided Albums That Are Actually Pretty Damned Good

This is a failed submission for cracked.com, because they don't want opinion pieces.  Oh well, their loss is your gain.  Enjoy!

5 Critically Derided Albums That Are Actually Pretty Damned Good

Art, whether it be paintings, movies, music, or people farting along to music (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uV8boXLV0ik), is subjective.  At least that's what I told my friend - in between punches - while defending my stance regarding the subtle artistry of the rest of Los Del Rio's album (we all know they sold out with Macarena).  It turns out it's especially enraging when you, if you are like me, go online to have your opinion of your new favorite album reinforced by your favorite online reviewer (let's call him Bob Smith) only to see that Dicky McCockalot (that's his new name) not only didn't love it, but actively hated it.  Sometimes, time will prove that this was just a reviewer's personal bias getting in the way of a brilliant piece of art, while other times you will shift your own opinion to reflect what Dicky thought when you hear the flaws that you may have missed the first time around.  These examples are in reference to the former.

5. Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP 2

The score: 4.7 out of 10 via Pitchfork

A sample line from the critical review:  "The Marshall Mathers LP 2 is an album-length bout of moral recidivism, Recovery’s motivational rehab narrative ditched wholesale for a second helping of the celeb-hating, self-deprecating juvenalia of Eminem’s beloved third album peppered with samples of and references to the source material."

This album was just released, so it doesn't have quite the "time-tested" safety net of some of the others on this list, but upon first listen, I was hooked.  After several albums of muppet voiced nonsense and songs for 23 year old slightly too old to be sorority girls who just broke up with their "true loves", Eminem comes back with this - a throwback to what made people like me love him in the first place.  No, not the homophobia (which is unfortunate on a surface level, but so self-referential and tongue in cheek that the tongue has actually fused to the cheek and become some sort of cheek-tongue hybrid creation), but the masterful wordplay, playfulness, and all around chops that made him, at the very least, in the discussion of "Greatest Rapper Alive".  But you know what's the best part of it all?  That it's a "second helping of the celeb-hating, self-deprecating juvenalia of Eminem’s beloved third album peppered with samples of and references to the source material."  That exactly what Eminem fans have been wanting for years, and it delivers.  The only guest rapper is Kendrick Lamar, and he actually sounds like he's having fun (for once) on their track together.  That track, by the way, "Love Game", references and emulates A Tribe Called Quest's classic "Scenario" and has a stretch in which Eminem is rapping in character as a girl giving him a blowjob.  What's not to love?

4. Deltron 3030: Event II

Score: 5.7 (out of 10) via Pitchfork

A sample line from the critical review: "Well, despite the overcooked jumble of your typical oft-delayed all-star concept record, it really does fall together as pure music."

Another of 2013's highly anticipated big rap sequels to come out, this one released just weeks before The Marshall Mathers LP 2, to similarly middling reviews.  A little history: the original Deltron 3030 released in the year 2000 (which is how you have to say that year) to rave reviews and even ravier fans.  It was a collaboration between Del The Funkee Homosapien, Dan the Automator, and Kid Koala.  If you know what any of the words in that series means, you don't need me to tell you that they are some of the finest rappers and producer/DJ's in hip hop history.  It was a futuristic-y concept album with huge name special guests, bombastic and innovative beats, combined with Del's general weird nerdiness.  It was awesome and retro and ahead of its time and fun.  The sequel loomed large for 10 plus years, and then finally, it was released.  And it too was awesome and retro and ahead of its time and fun.  The track "The Return" is the perfect follow up to the first album's "3030", in both lyrics and style.  There are fun bits thrown in by David Cross and Amber Tamblyn, and Del is just as dorkishly awesome as ever.   From stupid Pitchfork's stupid review, "it really does fall together as pure music".  Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that's what you were reviewing.

3. Ween: Quebec

Score: 40 (out of 100) via PopMatters

A sample line from the critical review:  "I will say that the music is often as catchy and unsettling as it ever was."

Ween is simultaneously the best and funniest and weirdest band that your weird friend's roomate from college absolutely worshiped.  I actually am that roommate, and I love Ween.  They grew a modicum of fame from their airing on one of Beavis and Butthead's video segments, which led to a cameo on the terrible "It's Pat, The Movie", based on a forgotten SNL sketch, and even a Spike Jonze directed "Buzz Clip" on MTV, for their song, "Freedom of '76".  In the years following, they became one of the absolute best live concerts one could see - well, until they broke up earlier this year.  Quebec is absolutely one of their finest albums, as it focused on their musicianship, which previously took a bit of a back seat to their crude and juvenile and hilarious humor.  One of the keys to enjoying Ween is figuring out which genre/band they are emulating - which happens and shifts many times per album - and seeing how they, in some ways, surpass them.  This album has elements of Motorhead, The Moody Blues, and even ragtime (!), but is mainly influenced by Pink Floyd-esque psychedelia.  It's extraordinarily well made, and is, quite frankly, a trip.

2. Massive Attack: 100th Window

Score:  40 (out of 100) via Q Magazine

A sample line from the critical review: "Everything comes dripping in portent and seems too in love with its own seriousness to excite any emotions."

Massive Attack is a British Trip Hop band who is by far the best band in any terribly named genre.  They are part of the "big three" trip hop bands who came to renown in the 90's, along with Portishead and former band-mate Tricky.  They are probably best known for being incredibly good, being the song Neo wakes up to in the first only Matrix movie, as well as being the band who made the theme song for "House".  They were initially a band of 4 members, with Tricky, then a band of three during their heyday and their revolutionary "Mezzanine", released in 1998 (which housed both the aforementioned Matrix song as well as the "House" theme), but for 100th Window, they were down to one member.  While it may not be the world burner that "Mezzanine" was, it was every bit as good and even more cohesive as an album.  It had a dark, dystopian feel, as well as some absolutely beautiful moments - listen to "Small Time Shot Away" and tell me you don't get shivers.  No matter what, it's an ageless album, and one that deserves to be at or near the top of their entire, impressive catalog.

1. Jay Z: Magna Carta Holy Grail

Score: 20 (out of 100) via Fact Magazine (UK)

A sample line from the critical review: "Magna Carta’s a mess, and not even an entertaining one--it’s simply a dull record by someone who’s in deep danger of going down as a dull human being."

One of the biggest tenants of both hip hop and Chappelle's Show is "keeping it real".  It is assumed that one must stay completly true to themselves (if they are a gangbanger) and not fabricate anything (if they are a college student music major), lest they lack street credibility, as the kids say.  Of course, most rappers are completely make-believe and tell second hand stories (at best) or just plain have someone else write their lyrics for them.  It's all about money.  Which is why Jay's last album is absolutely the most real hip hop album of the last few years.  He'd be disingenuous talking about working the streets in anything other than a past tense.  He raps about paintings and sculptures and being rich, because he actually is rich, and has sculptures and paintings.  One of the biggest, across-the-board detractions of the album was the cynical way in which it was marketed.  As a fan of music, I can tell you that one of the things that I most care about when judging the merits of its artistry is not the decision that white people made trying to attach it to a cell phone app.  It's well-produced, "real", and exactly the album Jay Z should putting out at this point in his career.