I coulda almost sorta been a contender...but not really.

Hi, me (I'm assuming I'm the only one reading this blog).  As I already know, I fairly recently sent in a submission to write for NBC Universal (late shows, Saturday Night Lives, and such), and haven't received a formal rejection letter - although, they said they wouldn't send one and the deadline to be notified was sometime in October.  But there's still hope!  Basically, the idea was to submit several monologue-esque jokes, several current event style jokes (which I probably failed at, seeing as how I still don't really know what the difference is between a current event joke and a monologue joke), and sketch ideas.  Seeing as how they aren't getting used anywhere else, I thought it might be fun to post some of the monologue/current event jokes I offered up, along with a review/discussion of each joke.  Let's do this mutha fucka.

Joke 1:

In the wake of the Anthony Weiner scandal, where it was revealed that he sexted and sent risque pictures of himself via twitter, officials on Capitol Hill are worried about possible copycat claims coming to light.   Representative Linda Fatcucci had no comment.

Review of Joke 1:

This is hilarious.  Although, in fairness, you kinda have to say it out loud, and be able to parse the Italian surname "Fatcucci" as "Fat Coochie" and know that "Coochie" is a slang term for "vagina".   Not a bad joke by any means.  Not a world beater, but whatever.

Joke 2:

Eighth grader Thomas Hurley III is a popular topic on social media since he recently lost on Jeopardy due to a spelling error on his Final Jeopardy question.  The boy added an extra "T" to the words "Emancipation Proclamation." Thomas' father said his son was "barely holding it together", from his home in Conntecticut.

Review of Joke 2:

I like this one too, me.  You see, Connecticut is spelled with an extra "T", just as Thomas Hurley spelled Emancipa---oh, fuck off.  They probably just thought I couldn't spell.

Joke 3:

In light of recent events, John Kerry says the drone attacks in Pakistan will go on and on and on and on...

Review of Joke 3:

See, the word "drone" has a double meaning.  Ugh.

Joke 4:

The founder of Amazon.com recently purchased the Washington Post.  After the sale went through, it was suggested to him that other users also bought the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and a weird sexual item that he drunkenly clicked on one lonely night.

Review of Joke 4:

Ok, I hate this joke.  BUT...close your eyes and read it again.  Wait, open your eyes, read it, then close them and imagine Jay Leno saying this.  It fits, right?  I'm almost glad I didn't get accepted because this is so fucking "Late Show" and terrible.

Joke 5:

Scientists recently discovered that one shark litter can stem from anywhere from 1 up to 5 father sharks. This is not completely uncommon, either - the phenomenon has been spotted amongst leopard sharks, small-spotted catsharks, bonnethead sharks, lemon sharks, nurse sharks and dirty whore sharks.

Review of Joke 5:

Get it?  They sleep around!  Fuck sharks, also.  I so don't give a shit when Shark Week happens.  I don't understand the mouth-breathers that do get excited, either.  Ooh, look at that borderline retarded animal eating other shit!  I'd rather watch smart animals displaying human-like behaviors, like porn stars.

Joke 6:

The CDC finds that half of new moms breastfeed.  The top half.

Review of Joke 6:

Not so much funny as not funny.  But, it's something.  Seemed SNL-ish.

So, there's a lot more.   A couple terrible sketches/skits, a bunch more monologue-y jokes, but I thought this was a good representation.  I hope you hated this as much as those fucks did.