hate a second: 2014

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Legends' House Recap: Episode 7

This week, on Legends' House, the guys play "How well do you know your roommates?", and then, apparently, Shawn Michaels drops by.

Previously, on Legends' House, they LARPed and complained about smelly food some more.

Daytime. Gene voiceovers that they "hit some little joint, downtown Palm Springs". Just when I think this could be a genuinely good episode, I realize he's talking about a restaurant. He says that he was looking forward to getting out of the house because "some guys get on your nerves". And, because the editing team thinks that we are also a bunch of dopes, they make a point to focus on Jimmy Hart again.   Gene complains how Jimmy talks a lot, and then the guys order breakfast. Jimmy really is a fucking weirdo, though, as he orders Minestrone soup and a wedge of lettuce. For breakfast. I've never even heard of someone ordering a wedge of lettuce. They clink their glasses together and toast "to breakfast". That's creative. Gene goes on to say that they usually don't get together as a full group of 8. Meanwhile, ALL they've been doing is getting together as a fucking group of 8. I need a beer. Gene steals my thunder by saying, essentially, "I thought something was going to happen, but it didn't. Nothing happened." That's the God Damn truth. He's referring to breakfast, my vision is a bit wider. And that's all for breakfast.

Everyone is on edge coming back from breakfast, and Ashley is already inside. They've got a a game show set up in the house, and she instructs the guys to sit at their assigned seats. The host comes out and tells them the plot of the game. It's basically "The Newlywed Game", or, for those of you born later than I, "probably not worth watching". Pat says to us that he and Finkel have a real good chance of winning, since they're good roommates. And then he rolls his eyes for some unknown and probably non-existent reason. The host does his patter with the guys, and when he gets around to Tony, Tony either burps or growls at him. These people are really weird. So anyway, to explain the dumb game - in the first round, at least, half the guys have to leave, and the other half have to answer silly (and possibly wacky) questions about them. Then, I'm guessing here, the guys who left will then come back and try to match the silly (and possibly wacky) answers that their roomies gave. Oh, and Ashley looks pretty hot. Hacksaw says that he and Roddy have become good friends, but have only recently gotten to know each other, but everyone else has been friends for years, so he and Roddy are at a disadvantage. First question to Hillbilly is "What do you think Jimmy (Hart) would say is his favorite thing to eat?" Heh, the editing team put in a fake game show laugh track, which increased my enjoyment of this immensely. Hillbilly's answer is "Beans and potatoes", which I don't think is a euphemism. Same question for Hacksaw, who answers "Pot Roast". Gene says that Tony likes "Chitlins", and Fink says Pat likes "Toast". Oh, for fuck's sake. Pot Roast is the only slightly acceptable answer on there, and it's just barely fucking acceptable. Whose favorite food is toast? Next question is, "What is your roommate's most annoying habit?" Fink and Hacksaw say that the other guys will say "Snoring", HBJ says "Too much energy", and Gene also says, "Snoring, I think he might fart through his nose." The laugh track laughs, but I didn't, because. Next question is "Ugly ugly ugly. That's all I think of when I see my roommate's ____." Hacksaw was going to say testicles or butthole, but he goes with "scars". Gene confusingly answers "talk". Finkel says "messed up hair", and Hillbilly says, "scratches that he got on his right legs." Or maybe he said "white legs". I really don't know. The other half come back in. Pat knows what Finkel hates about him, Jimmy says his alarm clock (wrong), Roddy and Hacksaw really do act like newlyweds, and they get it right. Tony's answer is snoring, and got it right. This is so stupid. Can I not recap this? Well, HBJ and Jimmy got the food thing right, as did Hacksaw and Roddy, who everyone thinks are cheating now. Tony and Gene got it right too, and Pat fucks it up and RUINS IT. Actually, he just got the question wrong. Roddy gets the "ugly ugly ugly" question wrong, and taps Hacksaw on the arm and says, "Sorry, honey", which did not trigger the laugh track, although I did giggle a little. Tony Atlas chews tobacco, and thusly got his answer wrong. Pat thinks the answer is his ass, which he probably thinks is the answer to every question he's ever been asked in any situation, but sadly, is wrong. The two Jims get their answer right, and I'm seriously done caring about this.

Ugh, I just realized there's going to be a round two, and presumably, a round three, of this death. This is kind of the same feeling you get when you're watching one of those Holiday themed Raws or SmackDowns, and they do that inevitable terrible "comedy" bits, where someone eats too much food, or people throw food, or whatever. It's awful and way too long. You guys get how this works, right? I don't have to recap all the questions and answers, right? Tell you what, I'll watch it, and if anything funny or interesting or surprising happens, I'll make sure I take note. Deal?

So, that's the end of the game, and...ok, fine. One of the questions is asking the guys what their roomies wear to bed, the next is whether they need a chef, assistant, or trainer, and the third is, "what would your roomie do with a thousand dollars?". Thankfully, the editing team zips right through this. The fourth question is, "What would your roommate say they couldn't live without?" The answers are uninteresting, and the other half of the guys come back in. Ooh, and the host says this is the deciding round, where the winning couple will win the "Mystery Prize". Hacksaw admits to sleeping naked, usually, and it's gross. Everyone accuses Jimmy of cheating, and who cares. Roddy whispers his answer to Hacksaw, thereby ACTUALLY cheating, and I still don't ACTUALLY care. Roddy cheats again, and this part is worth the price of admission. It was the "name the one thing you can't live without" thing, and Roddy whispers to Hacksaw that he answered "Wife...wife". Hacksaw, being a fucking block of wood, says, "Life". Which, you know, is technically correct. You can't live without life. And they got it wrong. Pat thinks it's as funny as I do, but sadly, no laugh track to confirm it. So, the Jims win, and Roddy admits to his cheating, and it's pretty funny. The Jims win an afternoon of private tennis lessons at the Legends' House. What a shit prize.

The next day, it's Tennis Time! The tennis chickies are probably 40's ish, and pretty hot in a sun damaged, 40's ish kind of way. Gene calls them "the most beautiful women he's ever seen" or something, and no. But not bad. Anyway, the guys suck at tennis, while Gene makes perverted "funny" comments on the side. Gene asks Fink if the ladies qualify as "cougars". Not to you, they don't, Gene.   And that's all for tennis.

They sit around for dinner, and Roddy tells the guys he tells them he has to go sign autographs in Atlanta for a day or two, and Hacksaw is scared to be alone. That's literally that entire segment. Hacksaw, the next day, tells us how much he misses Roddy. "I think he's coming back...not tonight, darn it." He really delivers this like a 5 year old, and it's really weird. The phone rings, and Hacksaw is hoping beyond hope that it's Roddy on the phone, but it's a wrong number. He looks truly sad, or as truly sad as he can muster after being told by the producers to "act sad and pathetic while Roddy's gone". Hacksaw then goes up to Pat and asks if he heard the phone ring. He figured Roddy would call him, and Pat, hilariously, says, "Jesus, are you fucking falling in love with him?"   Hacksaw then calls and leaves his umpteenth message on Roddy's voicemail, as he swings and kicks his feet like a little girl calling her crush. This is really, really weird. Hacksaw points out his position on a globe, and Roddy's position on the globe, and how if they both look at the sky at night, they could both be wishing on the same star. He then yells at the globe to call him. The phone rings, and Hacksaw BOUNDS toward it, but it's another wrong number. He smashes the phone in frustration.

It's morning, and everyone is waiting for Ashley to come in, but it's SHAWN MICHAELS. We get some clips about how great he is and was, and he busts in with a fishing pole. Everyone is happy to see him, and happy to go fishing. Tony both over and undersells it by saying, "Going fishing with Shawn Michaels is going to be one of the greatest experiences I've ever had...since I've been here." Well ok. Gene makes a gay joke about himself and fishing, but also about Pat, and it's all very confusing. Shawn Michaels says for the 385th time that they're going to go fishing, and have fun. Got it, thank you. Anyway, they get on the boat at some lake, and Pat doesn't wanna bait the hook. I always thought he was a master baiter - GET IT!? Because...eh. Gene invites Shawn to live with them, and Shawn declines, only moderately politely. Tony, meanwhile, is talking to the fish, because he's a dummy. He then talks to Shawn about the "Chitlins Incident", and Shawn visibly does not give a fuck. No one is catching shit, until Howard finally hooks a branch of some kind. Pat catches the first fish, then Duggan and Hillbilly both grab one. Shawn says, "Sometimes people are under the impression that when you go fishing, something's gotta happen for it to be a success." I swear, they are just doling out the meta references to this fucking show today.

Back at the house, the guys are gonna clean and cook the fish that they caught. Which, unless they edited out the parts where they caught fish that were bigger than 8 inches, these ain't them. I am SHOCKED. I thought this was REALITY. Shawn says that if you've been in the WWE for any amount of time, you know how to survive. He clearly has not been watching this show. This group can't even order delivery without going into the fetal position and asking for help. Jimmy is talking and annoying everyone, especially Gene, who is cutting and cleaning the fish. Now, I know again that this is completely contrived - but Jimmy really is fucking annoying. Gene agrees, as he tells Jimmy to get the fuck out of the kitchen. Shawn is mildly amused by the whole thing. Heh, and then Jimmy is making his dumb potato in the oven, and his dumb sunglasses fall off into the oven. The guys sit around eating, and talking about the business and how they deal with getting away and how the industry has changed, and of fucking course, the show completely glosses over it. Well, you wouldn't want to have to edit out the stupid Newlywed Game show. Shawn leaves. This was awful.

Legends' House Episode 6: Recap

This week, on Legends' House, a bunch of grown men dress up in silly costumes and pretend to fight each other. Hmm...

Previously, on Legends' House, nothing. Nothing happened last week. Zero things. Hopefully this LARPing will be more entertaining. Scratch that, it will CERTAINLY be more entertaining. Or at least AS entertaining. It cannot, by the rules of physics and math and love and religion, be less entertaining.

The sun rises on a lovely, cloudless morning in Rancho Mirage. The sun is a golden sphere, providing light and, eventually, sustenance, to all who bask in her majesty. There is a cool breeze in the air, which belies the hotness of this mess of dogshit that I'm about to suffer through. And we're exactly back where we were last week, as the guys are complaining about the pigs' feet being smelly. Gene tells us, again, that everything is stinky. We're watching the guys clean out the refrigerator, and they don't seem to know what simple foods or shapes are. Jimmy feels Tony starting to flip out, and mentions that they have to walk on eggshells around him. Jimmy sits down with a pile of shit in front of him, as Tony tells us that he's an extremist - he's either extremely horrible or extremely nice. That seems about right. He then adds, "I'm a screwed up guy." That seems about right. Jimmy finally puts the pile of shit in front of him into the trash bag slightly to the left of him, and the guys mention that the food, a-mother fucking-gain, does not smell great. Jimmy offers Gene some of the nasty crap in the bag, and Gene, in cute little shorty shorts, tells Jimmy to "Get the fuck outta here." Years from now, scholars will still be talking about "that one episode of Legends' House where they cleaned the refrigerator." It was that good.

<I'm going to now say, this review is going to get a little bit on the dirty side. If you have sensitive eyes, or just don't want to hear about, um, various sexual things, you should probably just call it a day and not read the rest of this. I'm not joking. I'm not intentionally being overly dirty, but IT'S MY DUTY to share my thoughts on this episode, as unfiltered as I can make them>

Time elapses, and three fucking humongous dorks approach the house. Tony says, hilariously, "Oh no!" (and you DO have to hear how he says it to appreciate it - it was very nearly terror in his voice). One is dressed as possibly Gandalf with black hair (I don't know), one is possibly a guy from 300, and third is just a run of the mill dork/nerd. Fink says, "You don't look like Ashley", which makes Tony absolutely HOWL with laughter. Another genuinely funny moment, as Tony is just fucking flying all over the couch laughing, and leans over to Hacksaw and brushes his shoulder in a "did you hear THAT?" type move, and Hacksaw just sort of opens his mouth and grunts. He couldn't even muster up the energy to fake chuckle or even smile. It was amazing. Finkel is intrigued by the nerd guys, as they go into their spiel about how they're seeking the "8 Legends of the WWE". Piper says, "Keep going straight, and take a right." Heh. They go on to tell the guys they've been chosen to play the heroes in a live action role play, or LARP. Pat kills me by repeating, "Larp?" Ok, this ONE time, guys, I will accept the "this is out of my comfort zone" or "this is weird" stuff. And full disclosure, I am a video game fan - not necessarily RPGs, but I suppose I'm at least on the periphery of nerdiness that these three inhabit. I'm saying I shouldn't look down on these guys, because I fly imaginary spaceships and throw imaginary footballs and shit on my TV pretty regularly. That said, sight unseen, I'm going to go ahead and say this (LARPing) is super duper dorky, as opposed to my regular duper dorkiness. "Princess Ashley" has been kidnapped and taken to another realm, the 300-ish guy says, and I can't even imagine the amount of semen stains that actually talking to a human female must have caused these poor guys. Oh for God's sake, the guy pulls out her shoe, and says "This is all that was left". That poor, now crusty, shoe. Tony flips out as I'm typing that, and grabs the shoe and sniffs it and makes a googly eyed, tongue sticking out, foot fetishy, disgusting, I quit watching this show now please face. Tony then goes on to admit that he's a foot freak, and then lists every type of footwear he can think of. No further comments on this. Hacksaw says that Tony needs to go back in his room for a little while. Ok, one further comment. Ew.

And now, the guys are going to be "tested" to see if they're "ready", and Roddy does his standard "Aw geez" thing. I'm kinda with ya on this one, Roddy. But come on. I'm being a little unfair. These guys are dorks, but it's probably harmless and possibly fun. I wouldn't do it as a weekend activity, but if I were on a reality show where this was the test of the week, I'd go for it. Hillbilly says some stuff. He's wearing a blouse.    Tony then jokes about how he's going to masturbate into the shoe. No, really. Not in so many words, but yeah. Jimmy says, "I think we should leave her tied up." There's a table outside with a bunch of "weapons" on it, and the guys all get to choose one. Apparently all the weapons have a bunch of magical spells attached to them. Huh. So, Jimmy's hammer has the power of fear, and if he holds it up and says "fear", the enemies have to split and make way for 10 seconds or something like that. I didn't know there were rules or anything. Roddy wants a dildo. No, really, he said that. One of the nerds offers Hacksaw "The 2x4 of King Doogan", and Hacksaw corrects his pronunciation. Then it's the "Spear of Mean Gene", which looks like a microphone. Gene's dumb spear makes him a wizard, and he can heal people. Tony gets a bow and arrow, Fink gets some baseball bat thing, Pat gets an axe, and Roddy gets some kind of hot rod engine sword thing. His has instant kills. 300 nerd now leads the practice and shows them how to pull their punches or strikes or whatever, so they don't actually hurt each other. So I guess they actually hit people. Also, do not hit anyone in the balls. Those are the rules. Hillbilly and the editors make the point that I made earlier, how this is pretty similar to pro wrestling. And we're off to save Ashley.

The guys walk into a costume shop to get their probably dumb costumes. Gene again explains to us what LARPing is, which, I mean, come on. The guys all get to choose their own outfits, guaranteeing they will be extra stupid. They all make the dumbest jokes ever while trying on costumes. Hacksaw tries on some kind of furry viking suit and bunny ears, which is surprisingly awesome, as he hops at Roddy, who loves it. I guess he opted out of the bunny ears, because now he has a viking helmet, which is far less awesome, and I should have expected that. Roddy wants a kilt, of course. Tony has some kind of gladiator thing, Finkel is a jester or poet, and Pat is a pimp. Jimmy is dressed as Elvis, and Roddy is making very strange sounds while getting dressed.

Now the guys are painting their faces - Roddy loves it. He's got a Braveheart thing going on. Tony says something about going back in the time where "mens were mens, and womens were glad of it, and we're going into 'conbat'". And then he growls. Ok, fine. It's cute that all the guys are cool with this, as they should be. And now, also cute, the editing team put together a little intro with each of the guys in their roles with fire and shit behind them.   They're now in some lot, and the nerd informs them they all will now have to be in character. Roddy is leading the guys and makes a silly speech to rile up his troops. Hacksaw tries to emulate the manner of speaking, but just sounds kinda dumb, but again, good for him for trying and seemingly having fun. Just then, some nerd leads a half-dressed Princess Ashley, hands tied together, out to the guys. Hmm, I wonder what Tony did with that shoe. The "Warlock" who has Ashley calls the guys a bunch of pussies (in LARP speak), and Tony approaches him, trying his darndest to speak in that mannered accent and renaissance-y weirdness, but not quite pulling it off. He walks up the hill toward where Ashley and the Warlock are, and I just realized I'm recapping a LARPing session. Anyway, his army presents itself, and it's like 30 dudes (including, shockingly, at least one girl). Gene says - everyone together now..."Holy Balls". Jimmy runs away, and Roddy tries to call a time out. Heh. Tony then says, in his weird, trying but not pulling it off accent, "When upon the hill, came a massive army! And I thought to myself, 'you in the hood now, brotha, let's rock'". Aw, well done, Tony. That was funny and very well-timed. And now the army attacks and it's just chaos. A bunch of guys swinging and throwing stuff. Jimmy is sitting down behind everyone. Hacksaw DID bring the bunny ears, which he uses to distract everyone. Jimmy runs around and screams "Fear", but doesn't look like it's really effective. Ooh, actually, Jimmy cut his leg open (scratched), and they show a flashback of Matilda attacking Jimmy's leg in the ring, which, awwww. This is all intercut with stupid closeups and slow motion of the guys pretending to fight - well, double pretending, they were clearly shot separately from the, uh, LARP. So, this is still going on, and the novelty has worn off for me. The guys end up "winning", as the lines between "winner" and "loser" have never been more blurred. Roddy makes the absolutely brilliant point, "He (one of the nerds) told me that they sometimes get two thousand people for these things. Who keeps track of "fireballs" then?" Exactly, Roddy. That's why I'm going to stick with videogames. The computer does all the work, there's more beer, and far fewer neckbeards.

Back at the house that night, the guys are sitting around talking shit about Jimmy. Jimmy walks up and explains himself and his actions during the LARP. Tony is inside cooking some food as the guys say "Sunday Dinner" 43425 times in 4 seconds. Tony's making green beans, mashed potatoes, and, some kind of spaghetti sauce covered concoction which isn't fully explored at this time. Howard makes the guys Margaritas for his part, and Gene calls them dog shit. That's kinda harsh. Ok, I guess Tony made meatloaf? With marinara sauce? He really IS an artist. The guys sit around and pray before they eat. I don't see any vitamins, they must have cut out that part. Roddy is worried that there is penis in the meatloaf, as Jimmy refuses to eat, but is having crackers and cheese and olives. All the guys are thankful for Tony cooking for them. Pat feels as if they are getting closer, and he's just so proud that they can all sit around and eat dinner together. Tony says that the guys thanking him is a memory he will keep for the rest of his life.   Me too, Tony. Me too.

Next morning, Hillbilly screams at a cloud. Then he spins around and does some yoga in socks, sandals, and pajama pants. He says AGAIN that he's not here for a long time, he's here for a good time. He wants everyone to get along. Ashley shows up, and Jimmy says they never know what she's going to bring them. Jimmy hugs her, and the guys all sit down. She tells them they have a special treat in store. They get a day of pampering at a spa. Massages, facials, manicures, pedicures, and Hillbilly and the guys are "so happy, they're elated". Gene wants a girl to give him a massage. Someone jokes with Tony about pedicures, and he goes out of his way to mention how NOT gay he is. I seem to remember him trying to have anal sex with Pat earlier this season, but I've been trying to drink that memory away, so I could be wrong. Ew, Gene wants a full, "I repeat, FULL", body massage. This episode is disgusting. Hacksaw thinks they're being fooled, and something bad is going to happen. Well, something bad IS going to happen to the poor masseuse that has to touch Mean Gene's mean genes.

Looks like it really is a spa, and everyone is excited to get massages and stuff. Gene and Jimmy are getting a pedicure first, and I'm very uncomfortable watching this. As much shit as I talk, I would NOT do that. Don't touch my feet. I just can't deal with it. Gene, of course, is being more than a little bit creepy about it. He was so creepy, in fact, that he embarrassed JIMMY. Now on the massage table, Gene says, "I've got a ...stirring in the loins, and I'm not that easily excitable." Ok dude, that's fucking far enough. These poor women have to touch your disgusting nearly naked body, and you're talking about your struggling boner? I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do that at a spa. "Do you ever have clientele here that would like to reciprocate?" Oh God, man. This poor, poor girl. The guys are all saying how they're not used to getting pampered like this. Hacksaw and Tony are paired up, and Tony talks to Hacksaw, who doesn't say anything back. Tony is very sore, and happy to get a massage. He's unhappy that this isn't the massage station, it's the pedicure station. Roddy gets his face steamed and nothing is really happening again. Tony finally, finally, gets his massage. Say what you will about Tony, but he's at least not...oh, he's got a boner too. Awesome. Then they get tea.

Legends' House Recap: Episode 5

This week, on Legends' House - the guys go to an art gala and more wacky hijinks surrounding cooking and eating!

Previously on... FLOCKO FLAMINGO, Chippendale's, manscaping, and Hacksaw spitting and fighting and just generally going crazy.

Morning. Tony tells Gene that when he gets worried he draws, then his worries go away. Gene agrees that it's good therapy. You know, if Tony hadn't been a wrestler, he could have also not been an artist. But whatever, good for him for trying to do something creative.   Hacksaw, in the hot tub, tells us that Tony is a very good drawer and he draws when he's angry, so he's been drawing the entire time he's been here. I'm angry, because I just had to type "Hacksaw, in the hot tub". Cut to Gene and Tony in the gym, where Gene is complaining that his back is a little sore. Pat is in the background on the treadmill doing about 1. Gene says he trains with Tony because he's a "registered, certified, personal, physical fitness trainer." Jesus Christ, Gene. Spit it out. Gene, speaking of himself, says he has the body of a God. He was obviously being sarcastic, and good for him again for getting some kind of exercise because he's so old, but he really does look like a meatball. Not like, some slang term for "jerk", or anything. The actual food, "meatball". They show Gene working out, and it's so incredibly slow and boring.

Next up, Roddy is juicing! No mishaps with appliances this week, as apparently he was able to figure this one out. They show Roddy and Tony hugging as Tony thanks him for being nice to him when they got back from Vegas. Roddy is touched by the gesture. Tony says he's going to try his best to get along with Hacksaw. A bit later, I guess, Tony has an idea for Hillbilly Jim. Oh God. Hillbilly and Tony get in a golf cart and head for parts unknown. I guess the show is building tension by not telling us what Tony's exciting idea is. Unless that was it.   So, I guess they took the fucking golf cart all the way to a "Spanish Butcher Shop", and Hillbilly goes on about how they got some down home, Southern Country Boy food. I guess there is a "South" in Spain, too, now that I think about it, so I guess he may not be technically wrong. Although, I would guess this is a Mexican butcher shop, but Hillbilly was SO close. It's foreign, let's just leave it at that. Hillbilly and Tony bond over both being country boys. They look at food. Forever. They're getting a bunch of stereotypically country food, and it's all kind of gross. Tony is so excited to show off how wacky he is, that he eats a pig's foot at the checkout counter.

Jimmy, being a picky eater, as established earlier in the show, hates everything they got. They got bull penis, too! It's hilarious, how they're going to eat food and Jimmy won't. And when the fuck ever was bull penis a classically Southern meal? Hacksaw is also not going to eat. Gene complains about the food being stinky. Put Fink in the "we're not eating this stupid bullshit" club. Tony's washing the literal shit out of the (I'm guessing) pig rectum that he's preparing. I swear guys, I'm sorry. This is just so uninteresting. I can't do anything with this. Gene says he's getting sick to his stomach over all the nasty shit sitting around. Me too, Gene. And now we're all complaining about the smell, except for Hillbilly, who pretends that it's not disgusting because HE HAS TO PLAY HIS PART. I don't know if I've mentioned it yet, but Gene thinks the food is gross. Oh, and also, it smells.   The guys all think it smells bad. Gene doesn't like it. Oh, and earlier, Gene threw some fucking, foul, half-eaten pig's foot that Tony left on the table into the yard and now Tony thinks someone ate it! Gene plays along and said Howard ate it. It's possible that Howard ran into the yard and snatched up the fucking thing and ate it (because he's pretty fat), but I think Gene is trying to pull a fast one here! Tony is absolutely flabbergasted. Roddy thinks the food is gross, but he does say "dick" quite a few times, so that's something.

They're still talking about bull penis. But it was a joke! It's actually just sausage! They were just messing with Jimmy. Ok, but whatever. You're still eating fucking colon, which is probably not really that much better. I'm not sure if there ever was an actual bull penis, or it they also got sausage, and I'm tired of thinking about it. Tony eats some nasty grey chitlins, but, a-fucking-gain, the guys think the food is gross. Tony is proud of his cooking, does his donkey laugh, and that's the end.

Next day, Ashley is in a little tiny bikini, as the Gods of terrible reality shows must've heard my silent prayers. She's yelling for the guys to meet her out by the pool. Gene and Howard drool all over themselves (I'm not blaming them), as we show different shots of Ashley in a bikini, and coming out of the water "Fast Times" style. Ashley lies to the guys and tells them they all look fantastic. She tells the guys that they all have to take care of "themselfs" no matter what their age, and Gene, for some reason adds "Holy Balls". I'm sure it was edited in, but I'm not sure why. She's invited some water aerobics chick to help the guys get in shape. I should also point out that everyone except Hacksaw is wearing swim trunks. Hacksaw is wearing what I think are his old wrestling speedos. The aerobics chick has some sort of weird German (maybe a Southern Spanish?) accent, and tells everyone to get in the water. The first exercise is walking from one side of the pool to the other. And we have to watch it. Gene talks about how much he loves it. Jimmy thought it was good, but couldn't understand the instructor. The bitch starts to get pissed because all the guys suck at water aerobics and just generally existing. She's bossing the guys around in a far too familiar way, and I kind of hate her. Now they're moving from side to side, as Jimmy doesn't want his hair to get messed up. Hacksaw blows into a water noodle and yells "There she blows!" because he's a moron, and the guys do a conga line. Hillbilly is happy to see Ashley in a bikini, then summarizes the whole experience with a stupid country-fied saying and some positivity because that's what he does on this show.

Oh no. Now they're going to play guitar and sing. Hillbilly is playing guitar and Jimmy is singing, and it's actually not awful. They're writing lyrics and it's kind of neat. They're writing a song about the house, and Hillbilly seems to have a bit of aptitude for this. I guess we're done with that, because either later that day or the next day, Ashley is back. Pat hilariously zips up his pants (appeared to me to be unscripted), as he says hello to her. Gene creepily flirts with her, and I know he's playing it up because he's supposed to, but it's still pretty weird to see. Some funny editing there where they add in some pauses and awkwardness to make it seem even more weird than it was. Ashley tells them they are going to be opening the Legends' House art gallery, whatever that means. Luckily, she explains that they are going to have 8 of their photos (ones of them in the ring, stuff like that) that are already in the house auctioned off for charity, BUT, they also have to come up with four additional pieces (of shit) to also sell. The proceeds will go to "charity". A non-specific charity. Tony gets weird about something and refuses to help the guys. Sigh, artists. Hacksaw asks if they can use Ashley as a model, and someone off camera yells "NUDE!". It was me. I'm technically off-camera. Ok, it wasn't me. But God, are they seriously, like, twelve years old? None of them banged any hot wrestling groupie whores? I guess the frequency has probably peetered out since they've gotten older, but, I dunno. The whole thing is, again, weird.

Roddy does his, "geez, I guess I have to do this, but I'm so out of my comfort zone" bullshit that he's done for EVERY SINGLE THING they've done so far, because that's what he does on this show. Roddy, they're not asking you to jump out of a plane, or perform surgery, or dance around in your underwear in front of a female audience or anything. You've had to bowl, and walk in a pool, and now, draw. Let's take it down a notch, pal. Hacksaw talks about how he's not artsy, but he knows what he likes. He's really not the sharpest pencil, huh? Pat and Tony are talking, and Pat says they just want his advice. Tony again says how art is his relaxation, and he thinks the tension in the house might ruin his love for art if he somehow ties the two together. It's adorable that Tony thinks his brain is capable of concepts like that, but I guess I see what he means. But then again, shut up. Hacksaw is thinking of doing some Jackson Pollock type shit where he dips his 2x4 in paint and sprays it around on the canvas. Gene wants to paint a liquor store. Or nature. Jimmy wants to draw a tree. Tony is complaining that this isn't art. Jimmy asks Tony to paint a picture of them, and Tony flips the fuck out and runs away. Hacksaw complains about how Tony is being a primadonna, and Jimmy keeps yelling at Tony. Tony threatens to punch Jimmy in the nose for his troubles. Pat and Howard are at a table, and Pat has the worst drawing ever of "waves, and sailboats" sketched out on a legal pad. It's actually really funny, how awful it is. Tony glowers in the background for a second, then goes in the house to get some postcards or photos to inspire the guys. He says he was just mad because they were "telling" him and not "asking" him. Which, they kinda were not, but ok. Finkel is happy that Tony's back in, and calls him one of the most accomplished artists in their fraternity. I think he's painting a clown. Someone gets the bright idea(r) of doing a bunch of handprints and signing their names under each one. Jimmy claims that all these great idears are his doing. Pat says they are a bunch of talented guys, but it'll just take time. Tony says the handprint idea is great...for kindergarteners. Ha! But they do it anyway.
Tony apparently sketched out a hummingbird, and Pat is painting it. Tony is blown away by how good it is. It's actually not bad. It's not good, but it's not bad. Painting is deceptively difficult, and Pat seems to be doing a pretty OK job so far. I'm sure it'll end up all fucked up. Gene asks if it's Koko B. Ware's bird, and I think about how awesome it would be if he actually did come out with a hummingbird on his arm. And it turns out Tony WAS drawing a clown, because he likes to draw clowns. Happy clowns, sad clowns, surprised clowns, clown burger, clown gumbo. Pat says, "Tony Atlas is a great painter, he can do a lot of...great paintings." Jesus Christ. They finish the dumb handprint thing, and their second idea is to just smear a bunch of shit on a canvas. Tony explains to the guys that what they're doing is abstract art, and they should let their feelings come out onto the canvas. My feelings are that it's a shitty and stupid painting. Pat talks way too much about how Jimmy Hart talks way too much, because we have to re-establish how annoying Jimmy is every five minutes. Finkel's idea was to write their names in a crossword style painting, and it's also dumb. Gene agrees with me. Pat is pissed that Gene isn't helping, and Gene says that all Pat has done was that "cockamamie" bird. Which, I laughed, because they showed the finished hummingbird painting and it's just horrendous. It even has a little flower at the bottom. Gene says "balls" again as he and Pat continue their little play fight. They decide on some random squiggle one, the stupid hands one, the smeary turd one, and Tony's sad clown. Hillbilly praises how amazing Tony's clown is, and Jimmy says "If you really wanna be real about it, I think, on a scale of one to ten, the clown painting is about a three." Ha! It's far better than the other bullshit they have, but he's probably right. I will say, it's definitely better than I can do and not actively horrible. Good enough job, Tony.

That night, they show up at the gallery, and Mean Gene says "Holy Balls". I swear to God, show.   Hillbilly talks about how proud he is that all the terrible artwork is hanging on the walls, and Gene says he sees a big crowd forming outside. Cut to - no one outside. Cute. Jimmy grabs his megaphone and starts shouting at nobody that there are WWE Legends inside. Jimmy then heads down the street and tries to rustle up a crowd to come over. Finally, some people start coming in. Hacksaw gets excited and yells, "There's women!" Ugh.   Some lady lies to Hacksaw that the art is good, but then can't keep a straight face. There's a silent auction for these paintings, which Gene refers to as "a silent Oxen". And then, double fucking ugh, some self-proclaimed "art connoisseur" interprets the stupid squiggle painting as a bull fight to Tony. Ashley shows up and also thinks the art is awful. "I'm really proud of them." ...for not eating the paint. She is, however, very impressed with Tony's clown painting. Tony is sad or something because it's not his best work, and aw. Anyway, now the poor people have to go home with these paintings and shit, and they had to PAY for them. Remind me to never complain about anything ever again. The end.

Legends' House Recap: Episode 4

This week on Legends' House - HARDCORE OLD MAN NUDITY.

Ok, probably not.

Previously on, they show the enthralling recap of the guys making a commercial, and then getting pulled over by the police. I'm not sure if I've addressed it yet, but the theme song for Legends' House sounds an awful lot like "Blurred Lines". And now that I think about it, I could watch that video 9 or 10 times in roughly the same amount of time it'll take me to watch this episode. That would definitely be a better use of my time, but I'm doing this. Because I'm stupid.

I guess we're flashing back a little, as Pat mumbles "Riding in this van fucking sucks, I know that." Again, it's not like it's a complete piece of shit. It's just a van. Get over it. He continues, "I can't wait to get there and take a good shit." I love that THAT is what the most exciting part of Vegas is to Pat Patterson. It's a great place to poop. Hillbilly Jim explains that the guys are not happy to be riding in the van. Jimmy Hart also helpfully tells us that he feels horrible about riding in the van, because he feels their team should have won the last stupid contest and should be in the limo. I mean, he has a point. That commercial that the "winners" made was fucking horrific. Jimmy says, "Let's face it, we're losers." I love shoot comments that...anyway. Hillbilly Jim tells us that the guys, again, are not happy to be in the van, but essentially they need to get the fuck over it because they're going to Vegas which should be fun. Exactly, Hillbilly. You're going to Vegas with a bunch of (presumably) your friends. I've squashed into a 1979 Honda Prelude to get to a terrible High School party with a bunch of my smelly buddies and complained less than this bunch of bitches. In fairness, I'm pretty sure this was a talking point drummed up by the producers of this show. "Make sure you complain a lot about the van. I mean, like, a lot. Like, seriously, don't fucking stop. Repeat yourself if you have to. That should be really good television." It's not, producers.

Meanwhile, in the Limo, the guys are drinking and screaming "Flocko Flamingo" as the graphic at the bottom says "Winning Team" and Tony Atlas is laughing his horrible laugh. I'm not 100% sure I'd rather be in the limo. I don't even think I want to go to Vegas anymore. And UH OH! The police are pulling over the limo, and Jimmy Hart talks shit about it being payback. The guys in the van are so very happy about this. Gene theorizes that it was because there was a plastic flamingo hanging out of the window, which I'm pretty sure actually does mean "plastic flamingo" and not "penis". Roddy tells us about limousine etiquette, and how the person sitting on the right in the back is considered in "the King seat", and it typically goes to the person with the most respect. Well, Finkel is the one sitting there, and they're trying to get him to talk to the police officer to "find out if they're safe". Roddy goes on to imply that it was disrespectful for Howard to take that seat, because he's never wrestled and basically doesn't deserve it. I'm sure he's joking, or being silly, or exaggerating, but fuck you, Roddy. Who gives a shit? Roddy talks about the responsibility of being in that seat, and how Fink needs to step up and talk to the policeman. Really? If this is at all real, which it probably isn't, shouldn't you just sit there and shut the fuck up and NOT interrupt the guy with the gun who is talking to the driver of your car with a stupid, "Hi officer. Just wanted to check in since I'm in the king's seat, and everything kinda needs to go through me first, mmmkay?" Roddy makes another comment about how Howard should streak, and now I'm pretty sure he's just fucking around, so I sort of take back my "fuck you, Roddy". But I'm keeping it for later. I have a feeling it'll come in handy. Anyway, they got a ticket. Wow. And then Tony Atlas reveals that HE was the one who TOLD Finkel to sit there! He didn't want to sit next to Hacksaw or Piper! What a twist!

Back in the van of humiliation, Pat won't shut the fuck up about how they're staying a cheap hotel outside of Vegas. Mean Gene talks about how when he gets there, he's going to "shave, brush (his) teeth, and sandpaper (his) balls", because it's funny to hear Mean Gene say balls at least 458 times each episode. Also, ow. Jimmy comments that that means they won't eat until 1 in the morning if he has to do all that, because I guess Gene has really long balls or something. Time passes (but not for me), and they play a stupid fart sound effect as we go back to the Limo guys, and Hacksaw has his shirt covering his nose. Tony Atlas tells us that it was him farting every five minutes, and that they were really disgusting. Well, of course they were. Look at you. You look like a farter. He says something about his rectum controlling him, but I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. I'm just sad because this is the first time in my life I haven't found farts funny. This show has broken me. Tony says that the farts actually helped out the guys, because all of a sudden, the driver of the limo "put the paddle to the matter", which I'm definitely going to start saying now.

So now they've arrived at the Palms, which is both not shitty, and not 25 miles outside of Vegas. Maybe Pat said "I bet we're staying in some shithole outside of Vegas", but there's no fucking chance I'm going back and watching this again just to be sure. I'll understand if you want to find your Legends' House reviews elsewhere now, from somebody with more commitment. But I would also suggest you be very nice around that person, and do not make eye contact or any sudden movements. Hillbilly dressed up for his big night in Vegas - socks, sandals, and pajama pants, and refers to Vegas as "The City that Never Stops". I googled this phrase, because I'm pretty sure that's not what Vegas' slogan is, and sure enough, the first few results refer to Tel Aviv as "The City that Never Stops". So, see? I do care about the craft. They show the guys checking in to the hotel, and Finkel has one of those stupid flamingos with him because the producers thought it would be a funny visual. It's not, producers. Roddy talks about how he got arrested a lot in Vegas, and Hillbilly says, "The fun ain't endin', it's just beginnin'." I wouldn't even say it's middling.

Next morning, the guys are brought to a theater type place, and Finkel freaks out because he has a feeling he's going to have to perform. He kinda used to do that for a living, but whatever. A girl who I think is Ashley comes out to tell the guys what they're doing there. "My name is Kristen..."...never mind. Anyway, she tells them they're going to be taught how to dance and shit for the 8 o'clock show, and guess what? It's the Chippendales! And now a montage of the guys all shocked about this development, but really, most of them essentially performed in their underwear in front of way more people than will probably be at this show. Kristen goes on to tell the guys that there are grooming standards at Chippendales, and they will all have to be "manscaped", which, ew. Tony says they don't even know what that is. Tony doesn't know what a lot of/most things are, but I forgive him for not being up on this. And then a montage of the guys not knowing what manscaping is. Jesus Christ, show. Just say something once, and then move on. I swear to God, they just beat you over the head with the dumbest shit over and over and over. Pat says "This could be a disaster." Yep. Tony comforts Roddy who seems upset about this whole thing. Like, not actual upset, but "show" upset. This goes on forever, but nothing happens. It's just Roddy and Tony saying stuff.

Soon after, the guys arrive at a salon to get their grooming. And I swear to God, my Apple TV just rebooted, presumably to save me from what's coming up. It didn't even do the thing where it let me continue from where I left off. Anyway, I'm back up to speed, and Gene explains that he doesn't know what manscaping is. Jimmy volunteers Hillbilly to get waxed first, and the guys say how Jimmy can be annoying. We've established both of these things multiple times now. Tony says, "I think the guys will be surprised how nice this is. If it's women scaping my man, then let the women skate my man, ha ha! Shh, my wife may be listening." And now we see Hillbilly getting waxed, and I'm sure this is supposed to be like that scene from the 40 Year Old Virgin, but it's more nothing. Hillbilly is a pretty good sport and not screaming or anything. For some reason, Jimmy Hart is there watching the whole thing, and that's really it.

Gene and Howard are getting spray tans, and the chick doing the spray tan says she's going to make them dark. Gene is being a pervert as Howard is the first to get sprayed, and it's a touch confusing to see whether he's excited to see Howard in his underwear (which, ew), or if he's into the spray tan chick. Gene tries to convince Howard to take off his underwear, which I guess answers my question, but raises so many more. They reveal their new tans to the guys, and Hacksaw spit-takes into a trash can. Hillbilly walks out and takes off his shirt, and the guys applaud. Later, Pat and Tony are getting spray tans, and Pat looks like an old lady with his hair net on, as he complains about it being cold. Well, it's definitely not hot. And then he complains about the spray tan being cold, and then they show us the spray tan being cold. A few more mentions of it being cold, and Tony comments, "That do make your body look nice." Which, ew. As the girl is getting ready to spray Pat's legs, she tells Pat to bend over. Tony says, "Bend over Pat, and I'll be there in a minute." Tony is probably joking, but he licks his lips in a weird way, and Pat might have a chubby. Now Roddy is getting waxed, and he thought he was getting his pubes trimmed. Roddy does not deal very well with the waxing, and Hacksaw is in there, and tickles Roddy's belly. This is one of the most awkward things I've ever seen, not just that, but this whole episode. Anyway, he gets waxed. Tony is getting a spray tan, which I guess is funny, and Roddy is still getting waxed. Some more hilarity ensues, and now Roddy is getting a spray tan, and then they show Tony, Roddy, and Pat revealing themselves to the other guys, who applaud. And we're done.

Now the guys are introduced to the choreographer, who explains that he's gonna teach the guys how to rip their tank tops off. Pat is kind of upset that the guys would dare call the Chippendales "strippers", because they're NOT. They're DANCERS. Ok, Pat, that's nice. "Johnny" is the expert shirt ripper, and explains to the guys that you have to rip it "down and out". Oh really? That's the trick? I thought it would fucking magically fly off of you and then burst into flames. I didn't know this before just now, but apparently I, too, am an expert shirt ripper. The key is to rip it. Jimmy Hart fucks it up, of course. Now the guys are practicing their entrances, and they're carrying a bunch of construction equipment and then not. I know I talk a lot of shit about this show, but it really was a kind of funny bit to see the guys learning how to walk on stage and do their little poses.

And then something magical happens. Hacksaw and Tony actually have a bit of a fight. Something about one of them bumping into the other, and then "Shut up", and "Shut me up", and "make me", and "make ME". Tony turns around and says "It can happen." Hacksaw, "Well, if it can happen it can happen." Tony, "I know, but it will, don't worry." This is like the Lincoln-Douglas debates. Two master orators here. And then Jesus Christ, Hacksaw gets really weird. He talks about how he's not scared of Tony, and says "I've been in a fight before, and big muscles don't mean SHIT, understand?" If you didn't see this, I have to point out that Hacksaw is not talking to or yelling at Tony at this point, he's yelling at the camera man, or whoever is conducting this interview-y thing. "I'VE BEEN IN A FIGHT BEFORE", he continues, "AND BIG MUSCLES DON'T MEAN SHIT TO ME!" Which, he just said twice, like, back to back, and then got increasingly more angry with each word. It was insanity. I guess it was like that thing that happens when someone says something shitty to you and you blank out on the spot, but think of the perfect retort on the car ride home. This was Hacksaw's perfect retort. "I'VE NEVER BEEN THE BIGGEST, I'VE NEVER BEEN THE (smashing a bottle or cup of water) GOD DAMN STRONGEST AND I GOTTA PUT UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT, AND I'VE FUCKING ABOUT HAD IT!" TOUGH GUY, HOOOOO!

Tony explains that this has been brewing for 20 years, and they never did and never will like each other. Come on guys, if being a part of this amazing show can't bring you together, then I guess truly nothing can. Hacksaw says he's not looking for a fight, but he's never backed down before and he's sure not going to back down from Tony. He says to the cameraman or producer, "You understand me, brother?" Maybe the producer or whatever prodded him or hit a nerve with a question during the interview thing, which is kinda what this actually seems like. They figured, "Hey, let's fuck with Hacksaw and make him flip out. That would be great television." Which, producers, it is.

And now, fuck me, after awesome craziness, we're back to a bunch of guys dancing. The theme is Risky Business. And thankfully, they do intercut it with Tony and Hacksaw still raging about whatever weird thing is going on between the two of them. Hacksaw talks about how if they (fought), nobody would come out of it well. All the guys have their little bow ties and weird end of the sleeve cuff things, and the audience is filtering in. Pat is excited. About being in front of a crowd, that is. They get a pep talk before the show, and Roddy talks about what a great challenge this is, and the show starts. The guys finally walk on stage with their construction thingies, and do their little dances and stuff. A sign in the background says, "Hard Men Working", which, ew. Then they do their Risky Business thing, and the guys go out into the crowd and dance with the poor audience. They didn't show all that much of the guys dancing or anything, which, I'm not complaining. The whole thing was kind of cute. I mean, not the guys, or anything, but it was funnier than I thought it was going to be. All the guys are happy and celebrate after the show.

Now they're on their way back to the house, and all the guys are talking about how it was fun, but Howard wants to nip the Hacksaw/Tony thing in the bud, before it escalates. Hacksaw smartly avoids Tony as we have our food scene of the week. Roddy says he can feel the tension between the two guys, as they show Tony and Hacksaw glancing at each other at different times. Roddy says he feels caught in the middle, and would take a bullet for both guys. He says he knows what it's like to be disliked by everybody, so he understands Tony. He talks to Tony, and says how he hasn't been himself, and that's he's been touchy, and he can completely relate. Roddy says if Tony slept good, he'd be much better off. It was a sweet scene, and Roddy is crying a little, and Tony looks like he's misting up, too. There are glimpses within this show that are really fascinating and interesting, and it's usually in these non-contrived situations. Gene threatens at the end that the house is definitely going to blow up.

Dare I say that this was an interesting episode?

Legends' House Recap - Episode 3

This week, on Legends' House - bowling with old ladies! I don't really like watching bowling with PROFESSIONAL bowlers, but old ladies and old wrestlers? Count me in! Also, that first sentence might be constructed strangely. I didn't mean that they were going to be bowling, using old ladies as balls, although that might be interesting to watch. Also, that last sentence might be constructed strangely. I don't think they're going to be using old ladies as balls in any form, although that might also be interesting to watch.

Previously, on Legends' House, Tony Atlas is annoying to live with. Like, not annoying enough to make things interesting, or quirky enough to make things fun (although he did really give it a go last episode), but still, slightly annoying. Oh, and also they cooked and ate food.

Inside the Legends' House, Tony and Jimmy are working out, and the rest of them are sleeping. Roddy yawns and says "holy cow". And I guess that's that.

Later, Ashley walks in, and says hi to everyone, telling them they have "fun things to do". I somehow doubt it, but I'm going to go ahead and have extremely high hopes for this episode.   Ashley says, "We've accepted a challenge on your behalf from a local bowling league that has called you out, and I've heard that they're pretty (snicker) tough." Ha ha, ho. Fink seems extremely confident and says, "You are looking at some of the greatest alleymen in the business." First of all, "alleymen"? I've done my fair share of bowling, but I've never heard that term. I'm fine with that, I mean, it might be common, and I am able to figure out what it means (it means "bowlers"), but still, weird. Also, what business? The ex-wrestling business? Anyway, he's super excited. Also anyway, they have FIVE MINUTES to get ready! I am sitting here, typing this review, wiping sleep from my eyes, and I'm already ready to go bowling. It doesn't take much prep. Oh, I see - it does in this case, because they show up at the bowling alley, and they all have bowling shirts on. So they go in, and Hillbilly says, "We're going to engage in a bowling contest!", which, thanks, Hillbilly and editing team, I already was tracking with you. You just fucking showed me and told me that they were going bowling. I've got this.

Anyway, it's old ladies, which would still not really be surprising even if I didn't already know. It's whatever. They announce that they are called "The Bowling Queens". Now we just need to know the name of ladies' team! HA! Get it? Because...ugh. Hacksaw acts weird and makes all the guys call them hoes. Or say "ho". And then they talk about how they're all nice ladies, and I think Pat makes the obvious joke I made earlier about wanting to meet the "desert queen", because I'm really not that good at this. Also, I'm watching this on my computer, and there's a little half loop control button at the bottom of the video player with a 10 inside of it. Apparently this makes the video go back 10 seconds, which is sadly useful for this kind of stuff. Or would be, if it didn't just crash my player. So, upon rewatch, they don't show show who says it, but it makes it look like Roddy actually said it. Mean Gene acts like a perv and calls one of the ladies a tomato. And we're off. Bowling. They talk about how dressy the ladies' team is, and one of the ladies tells Tony that they'll go easy on them. Which Tony is ok with, because he says he doesn't have a clue what he's doing.   Come on, man. Do you have no life experience at all? You've never been near a horse, never been bowling? Even if you've never been bowling, couldn't you pretty quickly figure it out? Throw the round heavy at the standy white things. Make them fall. Howard re-re-reiterates his confidence and they show a couple old clips of him actually wrestling. Hilariously (and genuinely), he bowls terribly - he does the thing where he doesn't know how to take the right amount of steps, and ends up shuffling/tippy toeing up to the line, and then throws it into the gutter. Jesus, all of them suck, as they show them all bowling nothing but gutterballs. Mean Gene bowls one from the concession stand, and the ladies alternate talking shit and trying to be helpful to this poor, stupid man, telling him he can go all the way up to the line before limp-wristedly wishing one in the general direction of the pins. I'm also not positive Gene remembered to wear pants. It looks like he's wearing old man boxers - and yes, I've seen my share. Gene says "holy balls".

And of course, a montage of the girls getting lots of spares. The guys all complain about how they didn't know the old girls would be such good bowlers. Which, for one, of course they're going to be. And two, they're not THAT good. They're not like senior tour champions or anything, with wrist stabilizers and putting crazy spin on the ball. They're just probably 50-65 year old housewives who go bowling on that Tuesday night league, and probably finished second last year. Hacksaw comments that they (The Legends) were playing their (The Queens) game, but if they (The Queens) came into the ring, the Legends would beat the devil out of them. WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT VERSION OF THIS SHOW? The guys all talk about how competitive they are, and how they want to win. Roddy says he used to be "the most feared man in the world". Ok, but not really, Roddy. Whatever helps you sleep/wander into vacant lots and howl/sleep again at night. Drums come in, and the guys are getting fired up. A couple strikes, and then they show Hacksaw bowl an 8 (which, I guess is the best thing he did the entire time - even editing can't cover up his shittiness, apparently), which leads into some classic Hacksaw clips. A couple of the ladies are actually kinda young-ish and hot-ish looking. When I saw the previews, I thought it was going to be geriatric but professional female bowlers. Instead, this show gives us some kinda old, sorta decent female bowlers. This is a microcosm of this whole fucking thing, complete half-assery.

Then it's done, and the guys look at the scoreboards like fucking cavemen seeing an iPhone. Jimmy absolutely amazingly says, "There's no way to tell who won by looking at the scoreboards." I'm seriously beside myself. THAT'S EXACTLY HOW YOU FUCKING TELL WHO WINS. You might have to add a couple scores together for teams, but Christ. They were electronic scoreboards. You didn't even have to make the little slashies and x's or figure out the scoring on a spare or a 10th frame strike or anything. Just add numbers together. Truly, truly amazing. And then they show the results. The Legends...736 pins. The Queens...876 pins. Are you seriously fucking shitting me? That's not even close at all. You couldn't visually tell, without even technically doing math or addition, that there was a big difference between those scores? I can't. I can't do this anymore.

The next morning, Ashley comes back in wearing some short little leather shorts and heels, and I guess I can muscle through just a little more of this show. She informs the guys that they will be split into two teams, and each team will have to make a 30 second commercial for a local business. And what they should do, is, something like:

"Hi, I'm former WWE wrestler blah blah blah, and these are 3 other old famous wrestlers. Buy Bob's Lumber." And, scene. Let's find out together how they fuck this up. They look hesitant, but Ashley says, "C'mon guys, it's just like cutting a promo." Which, fucking yes. Exactly. Gene is the captain of one of the teams, and talks about how it's right down his alley. Which, fucking yes. It sure is. They show a clip of Gene with Rick Rude as something falls down in the background and screw up his flow, which was actually really funny. I hadn't seen that before. The other captain is Piper, and they pick teams. Tony is the last person picked, probably because he's going to be the biggest detriment to the entire process, and Ashley hands both captains envelopes with instructions that they have to follow. One envelope says "stay here", and the other says "Van is waiting". I hope Hillbilly Jim or one of the guys explains what those envelopes mean, and what they're going to have to do. "That means we get to hit the bricks." Cool, thanks Gene. Jimmy says, "That means we get outta here first." Thanks so much, Jimmy. On the other team, Tony says he wants to run the camera. Roddy says no, because he doesn't think Tony could even run a can opener. That's the blender/freezer calling the can opener black, huh Roddy? Tony is sad because no one likes him. Aw.

Gene and his team of Patterson, Hart, and Hillbilly are taken to a car wash. Gene is just completely shocked that he would be doing a commercial for a car wash. I don't really understand why he is this level of surprised, which is to say, any level of surprised, but whatever.   They meet a guy who could be the owner, or could just be the cashier, and Pat makes a gay joke about blowing stuff. Jimmy says he has a lot of "great idears", and is excited to show people what they can do as a team. I'm not sure what that really means at all. I didn't have any pre-conceived notions about this team and being able to make a commercial for a local business. My expectations are zero. I'm pretty sure it'll be stupid, but it's a local commercial for a car wash. Kinda redundant. Meanwhile, a car pulls up to pick up the other dummies. The driver of the car is wearing some very wacky yellow pants, which all the guys comment on. His name is Mark, and he wants them to make a commercial for his business. What business, you ask? He's gonna show us! He opens the door to reveal...them cutting away to show the other guys at the car wash! Are you kidding me? I'm on pins and needles! I need to know, now. I consider fast forwarding or turning the show off completely, but they show Gene and the guys writing the copy and storyboarding. Actually, they seem to be doing a moderately decent job. Pat is confused by simple colors as Jimmy annoys everyone.

And oh my stars, we finally get to see what was hidden inside the car - plastic flamingos! This wacky guy with wacky pants has extra wacky plastic flamingos. Mark goes on to explain that his business is renting plastic flamingos to parties and special events. It's really weird, I've ALWAYS wanted to own a business like that. You know, completely stupid bullshit. Roddy is as confused and irritated as I am, as Hacksaw hits himself in the face with a flamingo. But wait, there's more! Also little yellow rubber duckies! You guys. I don't think I can make it through this one. Where's Ashley and her legs? Mark asks rhetorically, "Can't you just imagine a yard full of plastic flamingos, and a pool full or rubber duckies?" Tony answers, extremely seriously, "Yes. The answer is yes." I fucking howled with laughter at that. I'm back on board. Tony just earned this show 5 more minutes of watchability with that. Tony is way too excited about this. "My momma used to say, a man never grows up, his toys just get more espensive...unless they RUBBER DUCKY RUGGIE BUCKIES!" I swear to God he said that, and again, redeemed this entire show.

Now back to the other guys, Jimmy Hart is fucking shit up. They've got a bit about the vacuum, and Pat says something like, "Vacuums, they really suck. Reminds me a lot of ...Piper...'s team." That came off more dark than funny. And back to Piper's Ruggie Bucky team, Fink asks where they should set up, and Roddy says, "I think outside.", completely not joking. Wow, yeah. Tony wants the guys to take the joy of flamingos more seriously than the other guys who are kinda fucking around. Tony is SO excited and squeals "RUBBER DUCKLY DUCKLY!", as he plays with the toys, and gets in all the guys faces, making sure they love the stupid toys as much as he does. Meanwhile, back at the car wash, everyone still thinks Jimmy is annoying. And immediately back to team Rubber Duckly Duckly as Tony is just filled with joy when he figures out a tripod. A couple of the guys shoot or rehearse their parts, and then they show Tony on the ground, RUGGIE BUCKIES stuck to his face and poured all over him, two Flamingos near his crotch, and laughing like a donkey. He does a couple variations of "Rubber ducky rucky bucky" for the commercial. A few minutes later, Tony says "less is more". Yeah, it is, rucky buckly. They all complain about how they're running out of time, and then just do boring arguments with each other. Now, the other group is washing a car. The auto car wash starts, and Pat gets way pissed. Jimmy gets blamed for it and says he didn't do it. This is so very real and unscripted.

Roddy and the guys are doing silly things with the flamingos and saying "Flock of flamingos" over and over. Then Tony is pretty much done, and kinda retreats into a childish, "I'm not talking to anyone" kind of way. But they're not the only ones with DRAMA! The other team is reviewing the tape to see what caused the car wash to start, and it turns out it wasn't Jimmy Hart! I knew it! I didn't care, but I knew it. They end up blaming the owner/cashier for doing it, and I still don't care. Pat cusses out the owner for pushing the button. You know, Pat has such a weird way of talking. It's close to regular human speech, but just a little off. It's like how in CGI there is an effect when creating believable human characters, the more abstracted they are from actual humans, the easier time our brains have of suspending disbelief. But the closer they get to photorealism, even the smallest difference can really throw us off and take us completely out of the realm of believability. I guess I'm trying to say Pat Patterson's accent is the uncanny valley.

I know I say this a lot, but this is really so very long. They could definitely make this a 22 minute show and maybe it would be passable. It's SO long. I've been watching this show forever now. They're all back at the house, and Tony is mumbling to himself about how he's upset. He tells Jimmy how he doesn't want to bond, and he's the outcast, and he doesn't like the other people. Jimmy heads off, and Tony Atlas sings "I'm alone again" to the tune of "On the Road Again", and then burps. The commercial editors come in, and while I respect editors and think film editing is fun and interesting and underrated and absolutely vital, I can't think of too many things I'd rather watch less than a video of people editing. The car wash one appears like it might be semi-professionally done and looking pretty ok. The flamingo one looks like a nightmare. Roddy Piper and Duggan awkwardly close to the camera screaming "Flocko Flamingo! Flocko Flamingo!". Now I don't even want to rent flamingos and rucky buggies because I'm too frightened. Duggan is very positive that it's going to be perfect. They're talking about what kind of music to put, and all the guys immediately shut Tony up every time he tries to help. Tony storms off. Roddy is pissed at Tony and vaguely threatens him. Not to his face, but in the confessional-style interview cut ins they do. Roddy just wants to get the job done, and Tony says he's done. Roddy half-assedly tries to get Tony to rejoin the guys, and Tony says he's done. Again. So Roddy accepts it.

Next morning, Howard thinks the commercial looks great. They're about to have their commercials judged. Roddy calls Tony an asshole, but then talks him up and they hug and laugh. Tony is thankful, and admits he talks too much. Ashley comes in with Red & Link or Rhett and Link, and I don't care, because Ashley is not dressed sluttily enough for my liking. They make commercials or something, and they're gonna judge the guys' commercials. They make good with the guys by saying how they were huge fans, and had all their action figures and stuff.   And now we see the commercials. First up is the car wash, and it's really dumb. But, on the other hand, if it were a small town and you saw Jimmy Hart and Mean Gene doing a local commercial, that might be kinda neat. The Reddened Lynx guys talk about how Pat was censored and bleeped out, which you'll remember, was triggered by the owner pushing the button. Which was part of the script, apparently. They just blew commercial kayfabe. Mean Gene says he could see this playing during the Super Bowl. He was obviously joking. Then it's the Rucky Buckies' turn, and oh my God. It's absolutely terrifying. The judges say how bad it was, but it was memorable. One of the judges says the exact same thing as I just did, how it's memorable, but will haunt his nightmares. Roddy's team wins. Ashley announces that both teams will be going to Vegas. Roddy's team goes in a limo, the losing team goes in a van. Mean Gene says balls again. The guys ride in the van and are upset about it, even though it's nice enough and big enough. A trooper pulls over the limo and WE'LL FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS, NEXT WEEK, ON LEGEND'S HOUSE!

<spoiler alert: nothing happens. Nothing ever happens.>

Legends' House Recap - Episode 2

Legends House: Episode 1

Hoo boy. A couple of quick disclaimers before I get started here. Firstly, I am known to, on occasion, watch a bit of terrible reality TV. I have the same thoughts when I'm watching a "Surreal Life" or a "Chrisley" or a "Total Divas"...even though I intellectually know it's awful, I still am often entertained by it. Kind of like a Mystery Science Theatre bad movie - I just have to keep watching because I am sick and horrified that humans could create this. And this struck me as being having the possibility of being a trainwreck of those magnitudes, so I'm kind of excited. However, it could just be painfully boring, but I guess we'll see. I'm betting on it falling somewhere in the middle.

This season on Legends House - pain and contrivances. I'm not recapping the intro, but within the first few seconds, you hear Mean Gene say "Holy Balls" at least twice, for what it's worth.

Tony Atlas is the first one intro'd. His voiceover says, "You probably know me best as the guy who press slammed Hulk Hogan, bench pressed five hundred pound, and doesn't know how to properly pluralize the word 'pound'." They're in Palm Springs, entering in limos. He says a bunch of stuff that is just words and we see the house. Pretty nice, actually. Lots of WWE memorabilia, and pictures of each of the wrestlers over their assigned beds. That's creepy.

And here comes Hillbilly Jim. They show videos of him clotheslining King Kong Bundy and dancing with Mean Gene. He spouts off a few country-fied slogans like, "I aint here for a long time, but I'm here for a good time." and other shit, then him an Tony say hi and drink a Legend's House brand beer.

Now it's Pat Patterson with his weird manner of speaking. He brags about creating the Royal Rumble and being the first IC champ. As the limo pulls up, he says, "I'm here, I'm...ready...open the door, let me go." Come on, Pat. You know that's not how that goes.

Jimmy Hart is next to enter. He looks weird. Like, strangely the same as he used to, but he's like, old looking. I know this doesn't make sense, but you kinda have to see it to know what I'm talking about. Protip: Don't see it.

Howard Finkel enters, and is pretty fat. Lillian Garcia is pretty sexy and does a great job, but there's something about how Fink used to announce a match that made it seem more grandiose. Hacksaw Jim Duggan is here, too. That's how little attention/time they give to Finkel's entrance. Hacksaw was one of my favorites when I was a little kid, and I'm happy to see that he seems like a nice enough and not overly annoying person.

Now Mean Gene Okerlund is here. Hillbilly Jim refers to him as "wrestling's Walter Kronkite". Ok. Mean Gene does an impression of Tony Atlas, which sounds like Mean Gene doing an impression of nothing. I'm immediately annoyed as Mean Gene tries to make a joke, and it's dumb. Something about poop.

And finally (I hope), Roddy Piper joins the cast. He says he's used to people hating him. The guys are sitting around drinking and giving Piper time to make a real entrance. He talks about how he's here to teach people stuff, and how complex he is. Yeah, you're complex. Like vinegar and water. You know what? I take that back. He seems friendly enough with all the guys and seems like he's gonna be a good sport. (spoiler from future me 45 minutes from now: good call.)

Mean Gene makes another joke and immediately after, some kinda hot chick in a tight red dress walks in and makes all the guys take notice. I mean, she's hot, but, you know, WWE hot. Mean Gene is going to play the pervy role in this, as he comments on how she's really pretty. Oh God, here we go. The first contrived bullshit "Ashley" hoists on the cast is that they have to bring bundt cakes to their neighbors and introduce themselves, which seems SO FUCKING WACKY AND HILARIOUS, YOU FUCKING PRODUCERS OF THIS SHOW. Jimmy Hart calls her a bimbo and is upset that a girl interrupted his boys time. I wonder if Jimmy is rooming with Pat. Anyway, so much nothing happens that I might cry, but then, out of nowhere, Mean Gene and Tony Atlas get invited inside one of the houses for coffee! That's how much nothing is happening. Roddy Piper scares the fuck out of a little kid by pretending to punch Duggan (who hilariously completely no sells it). Seriously, the best thing that happened during this whole segment is the house owner who has a button up short sleeve shirt tucked into his jeans. Mean Gene makes another fucking joke and this segment is mercifully over. Oh, wait. Now the guys have to discuss all the dumb shit that happened. Ok, now it's over.

Piper can't figure out how to use the blender. This is the premiere episode. I know what this show is supposed to be, I promise. I know it's not going to be a huge hit, and it's probably intended to be nothing more than just a cute thing to watch and add a touch of variety to the network, but holy shit. Even still.   They talk about how private Piper is in his personal life, and then the payoff is that the blender does, in fact, eventually work.   Pat Patterson is going to cook some shit. That's not a euphemism. He asks the butcher at the grocery store if "(he) likes to play with meat" - which IS a euphemism. Jimmy Hart says, "You're gonna have to expect the unexpected."

While Pat cooks and complains about cooking even though he volunteered to cook, some of the guys play tennis, and Jesus, Finkel is pretty big. Jimmy Hart says he's going to trim him down - which is not a euphemism.   Patterson complains more about how long it takes to cook, then he ends up not cooking. I don't know. Mean Gene helpfully tells us that it's taking a long time for Pat to cook, and then it's the next day.

Someone hits a gong, and Tony Atlas says something like, "I didn't expect the Dong Show", which is a euphemism, but accidental, so I'm not sure if it counts. And oh great, Gary Busey is here. Roddy fucking brutally says, "Why is Gary Busey here? Motorcycle lessons?" Ha! And ouch! Gary says his weird shit about releasing negativity. They're doing yoga or meditation or something and Gary Busey talks about honking at geese to release is boredom. Tony probably non-ironically calls Gary "deep". If you're unfamiliar with Gary Busey's weirdness, it's worth watching this segment. If you've seen it and burned out on his eccentricities, it's really just more of the same Gary Busey dumb shit. Meanwhile, Hacksaw and Tony Atlas get into some kind of weird argument about who loves kids more.   Something happens about Gary Busey being different than them because he's an actor and Roddy Piper isn't. "You're an actor, I'm not.", says Roddy. Roddy's point was more that as an actor, you can move on from your character and people know you as YOU, the actor - but as a wrestler, they know only you as the character you portray, 24 hours a day.   That's actually pretty trippy to think about, but I'm not sure why Roddy seemed so angry about it. Then again, I'd be annoyed if I had to hang out with Gary Busey.

Oh my God, this show is still going. They talk about how they were the golden age of wrestling, which is hard to argue. Now they discuss all the injuries and stuff that they've gone through, which is actually kind of what I wanted this show to be. Like, talk about how their lives really are now, and how wrestling has affected them and continues to affect them. Roddy is shown in bed being restless, and says he's been sober since 09. He's having trouble dealing with the drinking going on here, and looks like he wants a drink. So that's the "complex" comment from earlier. Piper is muttering to himself and walking down the dark street (and into the woods?) by himself, in the dark. I feel bad for the guy. I know that feeling of just wanting to burst through your skin and feeling like you're just trapped. There's nowhere you can walk that will get you far enough from that feeling. Anyway, the show ends. That was a really interesting segment, and, in my opinion, redeemed the show.   More this, less bundt cakes.