This week, on Legends' House, a bunch of grown men dress up in silly costumes and pretend to fight each other. Hmm...
Previously, on Legends' House, nothing. Nothing happened last week.
Zero things. Hopefully this LARPing will be more entertaining. Scratch
that, it will CERTAINLY be more entertaining. Or at least AS
entertaining. It cannot, by the rules of physics and math and love and
religion, be less entertaining.
The sun rises on a lovely, cloudless morning in Rancho Mirage. The sun
is a golden sphere, providing light and, eventually, sustenance, to all
who bask in her majesty. There is a cool breeze in the air, which
belies the hotness of this mess of dogshit that I'm about to suffer
through. And we're exactly back where we were last week, as the guys
are complaining about the pigs' feet being smelly. Gene tells us,
again, that everything is stinky. We're watching the guys clean out the
refrigerator, and they don't seem to know what simple foods or shapes
are. Jimmy feels Tony starting to flip out, and mentions that they have
to walk on eggshells around him. Jimmy sits down with a pile of shit
in front of him, as Tony tells us that he's an extremist - he's either
extremely horrible or extremely nice. That seems about right. He then
adds, "I'm a screwed up guy." That seems about right. Jimmy finally
puts the pile of shit in front of him into the trash bag slightly to the
left of him, and the guys mention that the food, a-mother fucking-gain,
does not smell great. Jimmy offers Gene some of the nasty crap in the
bag, and Gene, in cute little shorty shorts, tells Jimmy to "Get the
fuck outta here." Years from now, scholars will still be talking about
"that one episode of Legends' House where they cleaned the
refrigerator." It was that good.
<I'm going to now say, this review is going to get a little bit on
the dirty side. If you have sensitive eyes, or just don't want to hear
about, um, various sexual things, you should probably just call it a
day and not read the rest of this. I'm not joking. I'm not
intentionally being overly dirty, but IT'S MY DUTY to share my thoughts
on this episode, as unfiltered as I can make them>
Time elapses, and three fucking humongous dorks approach the house.
Tony says, hilariously, "Oh no!" (and you DO have to hear how he says it
to appreciate it - it was very nearly terror in his voice). One is
dressed as possibly Gandalf with black hair (I don't know), one is
possibly a guy from 300, and third is just a run of the mill dork/nerd.
Fink says, "You don't look like Ashley", which makes Tony absolutely
HOWL with laughter. Another genuinely funny moment, as Tony is just
fucking flying all over the couch laughing, and leans over to Hacksaw
and brushes his shoulder in a "did you hear THAT?" type move, and
Hacksaw just sort of opens his mouth and grunts. He couldn't even
muster up the energy to fake chuckle or even smile. It was amazing.
Finkel is intrigued by the nerd guys, as they go into their spiel about
how they're seeking the "8 Legends of the WWE". Piper says, "Keep going
straight, and take a right." Heh. They go on to tell the guys they've
been chosen to play the heroes in a live action role play, or LARP.
Pat kills me by repeating, "Larp?" Ok, this ONE time, guys, I will
accept the "this is out of my comfort zone" or "this is weird" stuff.
And full disclosure, I am a video game fan - not necessarily RPGs, but I
suppose I'm at least on the periphery of nerdiness that these three
inhabit. I'm saying I shouldn't look down on these guys, because I fly
imaginary spaceships and throw imaginary footballs and shit on my TV
pretty regularly. That said, sight unseen, I'm going to go ahead and
say this (LARPing) is super duper dorky, as opposed to my regular duper
dorkiness. "Princess Ashley" has been kidnapped and taken to another
realm, the 300-ish guy says, and I can't even imagine the amount of
semen stains that actually talking to a human female must have caused
these poor guys. Oh for God's sake, the guy pulls out her shoe, and
says "This is all that was left". That poor, now crusty, shoe. Tony
flips out as I'm typing that, and grabs the shoe and sniffs it and makes
a googly eyed, tongue sticking out, foot fetishy, disgusting, I quit
watching this show now please face. Tony then goes on to admit that
he's a foot freak, and then lists every type of footwear he can think
of. No further comments on this. Hacksaw says that Tony needs to go
back in his room for a little while. Ok, one further comment. Ew.
And now, the guys are going to be "tested" to see if they're "ready",
and Roddy does his standard "Aw geez" thing. I'm kinda with ya on this
one, Roddy. But come on. I'm being a little unfair. These guys are
dorks, but it's probably harmless and possibly fun. I wouldn't do it as
a weekend activity, but if I were on a reality show where this was the
test of the week, I'd go for it. Hillbilly says some stuff. He's
wearing a blouse. Tony then jokes about how he's going to masturbate
into the shoe. No, really. Not in so many words, but yeah. Jimmy
says, "I think we should leave her tied up." There's a table outside
with a bunch of "weapons" on it, and the guys all get to choose one.
Apparently all the weapons have a bunch of magical spells attached to
them. Huh. So, Jimmy's hammer has the power of fear, and if he holds
it up and says "fear", the enemies have to split and make way for 10
seconds or something like that. I didn't know there were rules or
anything. Roddy wants a dildo. No, really, he said that. One of the
nerds offers Hacksaw "The 2x4 of King Doogan", and Hacksaw corrects his
pronunciation. Then it's the "Spear of Mean Gene", which looks like a
microphone. Gene's dumb spear makes him a wizard, and he can heal
people. Tony gets a bow and arrow, Fink gets some baseball bat thing,
Pat gets an axe, and Roddy gets some kind of hot rod engine sword
thing. His has instant kills. 300 nerd now leads the practice and
shows them how to pull their punches or strikes or whatever, so they
don't actually hurt each other. So I guess they actually hit people.
Also, do not hit anyone in the balls. Those are the rules. Hillbilly
and the editors make the point that I made earlier, how this is pretty
similar to pro wrestling. And we're off to save Ashley.
The guys walk into a costume shop to get their probably dumb costumes.
Gene again explains to us what LARPing is, which, I mean, come on. The
guys all get to choose their own outfits, guaranteeing they will be
extra stupid. They all make the dumbest jokes ever while trying on
costumes. Hacksaw tries on some kind of furry viking suit and bunny
ears, which is surprisingly awesome, as he hops at Roddy, who loves it.
I guess he opted out of the bunny ears, because now he has a viking
helmet, which is far less awesome, and I should have expected that.
Roddy wants a kilt, of course. Tony has some kind of gladiator thing,
Finkel is a jester or poet, and Pat is a pimp. Jimmy is dressed as
Elvis, and Roddy is making very strange sounds while getting dressed.
Now the guys are painting their faces - Roddy loves it. He's got a
Braveheart thing going on. Tony says something about going back in the
time where "mens were mens, and womens were glad of it, and we're going
into 'conbat'". And then he growls. Ok, fine. It's cute that all the
guys are cool with this, as they should be. And now, also cute, the
editing team put together a little intro with each of the guys in their
roles with fire and shit behind them. They're now in some lot, and the
nerd informs them they all will now have to be in character. Roddy is
leading the guys and makes a silly speech to rile up his troops.
Hacksaw tries to emulate the manner of speaking, but just sounds kinda
dumb, but again, good for him for trying and seemingly having fun. Just
then, some nerd leads a half-dressed Princess Ashley, hands tied
together, out to the guys. Hmm, I wonder what Tony did with that shoe.
The "Warlock" who has Ashley calls the guys a bunch of pussies (in LARP
speak), and Tony approaches him, trying his darndest to speak in that
mannered accent and renaissance-y weirdness, but not quite pulling it
off. He walks up the hill toward where Ashley and the Warlock are, and I
just realized I'm recapping a LARPing session. Anyway, his army
presents itself, and it's like 30 dudes (including, shockingly, at least
one girl). Gene says - everyone together now..."Holy Balls". Jimmy
runs away, and Roddy tries to call a time out. Heh. Tony then says, in
his weird, trying but not pulling it off accent, "When upon the hill,
came a massive army! And I thought to myself, 'you in the hood now,
brotha, let's rock'". Aw, well done, Tony. That was funny and very
well-timed. And now the army attacks and it's just chaos. A bunch of
guys swinging and throwing stuff. Jimmy is sitting down behind
everyone. Hacksaw DID bring the bunny ears, which he uses to distract
everyone. Jimmy runs around and screams "Fear", but doesn't look like
it's really effective. Ooh, actually, Jimmy cut his leg open
(scratched), and they show a flashback of Matilda attacking Jimmy's leg
in the ring, which, awwww. This is all intercut with stupid closeups
and slow motion of the guys pretending to fight - well, double
pretending, they were clearly shot separately from the, uh, LARP. So,
this is still going on, and the novelty has worn off for me. The guys
end up "winning", as the lines between "winner" and "loser" have never
been more blurred. Roddy makes the absolutely brilliant point, "He (one
of the nerds) told me that they sometimes get two thousand people for
these things. Who keeps track of "fireballs" then?" Exactly, Roddy.
That's why I'm going to stick with videogames. The computer does all
the work, there's more beer, and far fewer neckbeards.
Back at the house that night, the guys are sitting around talking shit
about Jimmy. Jimmy walks up and explains himself and his actions during
the LARP. Tony is inside cooking some food as the guys say "Sunday
Dinner" 43425 times in 4 seconds. Tony's making green beans, mashed
potatoes, and, some kind of spaghetti sauce covered concoction which
isn't fully explored at this time. Howard makes the guys Margaritas for
his part, and Gene calls them dog shit. That's kinda harsh. Ok, I
guess Tony made meatloaf? With marinara sauce? He really IS an
artist. The guys sit around and pray before they eat. I don't see any
vitamins, they must have cut out that part. Roddy is worried that there
is penis in the meatloaf, as Jimmy refuses to eat, but is having
crackers and cheese and olives. All the guys are thankful for Tony
cooking for them. Pat feels as if they are getting closer, and he's
just so proud that they can all sit around and eat dinner together.
Tony says that the guys thanking him is a memory he will keep for the
rest of his life. Me too, Tony. Me too.
Next morning, Hillbilly screams at a cloud. Then he spins around and
does some yoga in socks, sandals, and pajama pants. He says AGAIN that
he's not here for a long time, he's here for a good time. He wants
everyone to get along. Ashley shows up, and Jimmy says they never know
what she's going to bring them. Jimmy hugs her, and the guys all sit
down. She tells them they have a special treat in store. They get a
day of pampering at a spa. Massages, facials, manicures, pedicures, and
Hillbilly and the guys are "so happy, they're elated". Gene wants a
girl to give him a massage. Someone jokes with Tony about pedicures,
and he goes out of his way to mention how NOT gay he is. I seem to
remember him trying to have anal sex with Pat earlier this season, but
I've been trying to drink that memory away, so I could be wrong. Ew,
Gene wants a full, "I repeat, FULL", body massage. This episode is
disgusting. Hacksaw thinks they're being fooled, and something bad is
going to happen. Well, something bad IS going to happen to the poor
masseuse that has to touch Mean Gene's mean genes.
Looks like it really is a spa, and everyone is excited to get massages
and stuff. Gene and Jimmy are getting a pedicure first, and I'm very
uncomfortable watching this. As much shit as I talk, I would NOT do
that. Don't touch my feet. I just can't deal with it. Gene, of
course, is being more than a little bit creepy about it. He was so
creepy, in fact, that he embarrassed JIMMY. Now on the massage table,
Gene says, "I've got a ...stirring in the loins, and I'm not that easily
excitable." Ok dude, that's fucking far enough. These poor women have
to touch your disgusting nearly naked body, and you're talking about
your struggling boner? I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do that
at a spa. "Do you ever have clientele here that would like to
reciprocate?" Oh God, man. This poor, poor girl. The guys are all
saying how they're not used to getting pampered like this. Hacksaw and
Tony are paired up, and Tony talks to Hacksaw, who doesn't say anything
back. Tony is very sore, and happy to get a massage. He's unhappy that
this isn't the massage station, it's the pedicure station. Roddy gets
his face steamed and nothing is really happening again. Tony finally,
finally, gets his massage. Say what you will about Tony, but he's at
least not...oh, he's got a boner too. Awesome. Then they get tea.
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