This week on Legends' House - HARDCORE OLD MAN NUDITY.
Ok, probably not.
Previously on, they show the enthralling recap of the guys making a
commercial, and then getting pulled over by the police. I'm not sure if
I've addressed it yet, but the theme song for Legends' House sounds an
awful lot like "Blurred Lines". And now that I think about it, I could
watch that video 9 or 10 times in roughly the same amount of time it'll
take me to watch this episode. That would definitely be a better use of
my time, but I'm doing this. Because I'm stupid.
I guess we're flashing back a little, as Pat mumbles "Riding in this van
fucking sucks, I know that." Again, it's not like it's a complete
piece of shit. It's just a van. Get over it. He continues, "I can't
wait to get there and take a good shit." I love that THAT is what the
most exciting part of Vegas is to Pat Patterson. It's a great place to
poop. Hillbilly Jim explains that the guys are not happy to be riding
in the van. Jimmy Hart also helpfully tells us that he feels horrible
about riding in the van, because he feels their team should have won the
last stupid contest and should be in the limo. I mean, he has a
point. That commercial that the "winners" made was fucking horrific.
Jimmy says, "Let's face it, we're losers." I love shoot comments
that...anyway. Hillbilly Jim tells us that the guys, again, are not
happy to be in the van, but essentially they need to get the fuck over
it because they're going to Vegas which should be fun. Exactly,
Hillbilly. You're going to Vegas with a bunch of (presumably) your
friends. I've squashed into a 1979 Honda Prelude to get to a terrible
High School party with a bunch of my smelly buddies and complained less
than this bunch of bitches. In fairness, I'm pretty sure this was a
talking point drummed up by the producers of this show. "Make sure you
complain a lot about the van. I mean, like, a lot. Like, seriously,
don't fucking stop. Repeat yourself if you have to. That should be
really good television." It's not, producers.
Meanwhile, in the Limo, the guys are drinking and screaming "Flocko
Flamingo" as the graphic at the bottom says "Winning Team" and Tony
Atlas is laughing his horrible laugh. I'm not 100% sure I'd rather be
in the limo. I don't even think I want to go to Vegas anymore. And UH
OH! The police are pulling over the limo, and Jimmy Hart talks shit
about it being payback. The guys in the van are so very happy about
this. Gene theorizes that it was because there was a plastic flamingo
hanging out of the window, which I'm pretty sure actually does mean
"plastic flamingo" and not "penis". Roddy tells us about limousine
etiquette, and how the person sitting on the right in the back is
considered in "the King seat", and it typically goes to the person with
the most respect. Well, Finkel is the one sitting there, and they're
trying to get him to talk to the police officer to "find out if they're
safe". Roddy goes on to imply that it was disrespectful for Howard to
take that seat, because he's never wrestled and basically doesn't
deserve it. I'm sure he's joking, or being silly, or exaggerating, but
fuck you, Roddy. Who gives a shit? Roddy talks about the
responsibility of being in that seat, and how Fink needs to step up and
talk to the policeman. Really? If this is at all real, which it
probably isn't, shouldn't you just sit there and shut the fuck up and
NOT interrupt the guy with the gun who is talking to the driver of your
car with a stupid, "Hi officer. Just wanted to check in since I'm in
the king's seat, and everything kinda needs to go through me first,
mmmkay?" Roddy makes another comment about how Howard should streak,
and now I'm pretty sure he's just fucking around, so I sort of take back
my "fuck you, Roddy". But I'm keeping it for later. I have a feeling
it'll come in handy. Anyway, they got a ticket. Wow. And then Tony
Atlas reveals that HE was the one who TOLD Finkel to sit there! He
didn't want to sit next to Hacksaw or Piper! What a twist!
Back in the van of humiliation, Pat won't shut the fuck up about how
they're staying a cheap hotel outside of Vegas. Mean Gene talks about
how when he gets there, he's going to "shave, brush (his) teeth, and
sandpaper (his) balls", because it's funny to hear Mean Gene say balls
at least 458 times each episode. Also, ow. Jimmy comments that that
means they won't eat until 1 in the morning if he has to do all that,
because I guess Gene has really long balls or something. Time passes
(but not for me), and they play a stupid fart sound effect as we go back
to the Limo guys, and Hacksaw has his shirt covering his nose. Tony
Atlas tells us that it was him farting every five minutes, and that they
were really disgusting. Well, of course they were. Look at you. You
look like a farter. He says something about his rectum controlling him,
but I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. I'm just sad
because this is the first time in my life I haven't found farts funny.
This show has broken me. Tony says that the farts actually helped out
the guys, because all of a sudden, the driver of the limo "put the
paddle to the matter", which I'm definitely going to start saying now.
So now they've arrived at the Palms, which is both not shitty, and not
25 miles outside of Vegas. Maybe Pat said "I bet we're staying in some
shithole outside of Vegas", but there's no fucking chance I'm going back
and watching this again just to be sure. I'll understand if you want
to find your Legends' House reviews elsewhere now, from somebody with
more commitment. But I would also suggest you be very nice around that
person, and do not make eye contact or any sudden movements. Hillbilly
dressed up for his big night in Vegas - socks, sandals, and pajama
pants, and refers to Vegas as "The City that Never Stops". I googled
this phrase, because I'm pretty sure that's not what Vegas' slogan is,
and sure enough, the first few results refer to Tel Aviv as "The City
that Never Stops". So, see? I do care about the craft. They show the
guys checking in to the hotel, and Finkel has one of those stupid
flamingos with him because the producers thought it would be a funny
visual. It's not, producers. Roddy talks about how he got arrested a
lot in Vegas, and Hillbilly says, "The fun ain't endin', it's just
beginnin'." I wouldn't even say it's middling.
Next morning, the guys are brought to a theater type place, and Finkel
freaks out because he has a feeling he's going to have to perform. He
kinda used to do that for a living, but whatever. A girl who I think is
Ashley comes out to tell the guys what they're doing there. "My name is
Kristen..."...never mind. Anyway, she tells them they're going to be
taught how to dance and shit for the 8 o'clock show, and guess what?
It's the Chippendales! And now a montage of the guys all shocked about
this development, but really, most of them essentially performed in
their underwear in front of way more people than will probably be at
this show. Kristen goes on to tell the guys that there are grooming
standards at Chippendales, and they will all have to be "manscaped",
which, ew. Tony says they don't even know what that is. Tony doesn't
know what a lot of/most things are, but I forgive him for not being up
on this. And then a montage of the guys not knowing what manscaping
is. Jesus Christ, show. Just say something once, and then move on. I
swear to God, they just beat you over the head with the dumbest shit
over and over and over. Pat says "This could be a disaster." Yep.
Tony comforts Roddy who seems upset about this whole thing. Like, not
actual upset, but "show" upset. This goes on forever, but nothing
happens. It's just Roddy and Tony saying stuff.
Soon after, the guys arrive at a salon to get their grooming. And I
swear to God, my Apple TV just rebooted, presumably to save me from
what's coming up. It didn't even do the thing where it let me continue
from where I left off. Anyway, I'm back up to speed, and Gene explains
that he doesn't know what manscaping is. Jimmy volunteers Hillbilly to
get waxed first, and the guys say how Jimmy can be annoying. We've
established both of these things multiple times now. Tony says, "I
think the guys will be surprised how nice this is. If it's women
scaping my man, then let the women skate my man, ha ha! Shh, my wife
may be listening." And now we see Hillbilly getting waxed, and I'm sure
this is supposed to be like that scene from the 40 Year Old Virgin, but
it's more nothing. Hillbilly is a pretty good sport and not screaming
or anything. For some reason, Jimmy Hart is there watching the whole
thing, and that's really it.
Gene and Howard are getting spray tans, and the chick doing the spray
tan says she's going to make them dark. Gene is being a pervert as
Howard is the first to get sprayed, and it's a touch confusing to see
whether he's excited to see Howard in his underwear (which, ew), or if
he's into the spray tan chick. Gene tries to convince Howard to take
off his underwear, which I guess answers my question, but raises so many
more. They reveal their new tans to the guys, and Hacksaw spit-takes
into a trash can. Hillbilly walks out and takes off his shirt, and the
guys applaud. Later, Pat and Tony are getting spray tans, and Pat looks
like an old lady with his hair net on, as he complains about it being
cold. Well, it's definitely not hot. And then he complains about the
spray tan being cold, and then they show us the spray tan being cold. A
few more mentions of it being cold, and Tony comments, "That do make
your body look nice." Which, ew. As the girl is getting ready to spray
Pat's legs, she tells Pat to bend over. Tony says, "Bend over Pat, and
I'll be there in a minute." Tony is probably joking, but he licks his
lips in a weird way, and Pat might have a chubby. Now Roddy is getting
waxed, and he thought he was getting his pubes trimmed. Roddy does not
deal very well with the waxing, and Hacksaw is in there, and tickles
Roddy's belly. This is one of the most awkward things I've ever seen,
not just that, but this whole episode. Anyway, he gets waxed. Tony is
getting a spray tan, which I guess is funny, and Roddy is still getting
waxed. Some more hilarity ensues, and now Roddy is getting a spray tan,
and then they show Tony, Roddy, and Pat revealing themselves to the
other guys, who applaud. And we're done.
Now the guys are introduced to the choreographer, who explains that he's
gonna teach the guys how to rip their tank tops off. Pat is kind of
upset that the guys would dare call the Chippendales "strippers",
because they're NOT. They're DANCERS. Ok, Pat, that's nice. "Johnny"
is the expert shirt ripper, and explains to the guys that you have to
rip it "down and out". Oh really? That's the trick? I thought it
would fucking magically fly off of you and then burst into flames. I
didn't know this before just now, but apparently I, too, am an expert
shirt ripper. The key is to rip it. Jimmy Hart fucks it up, of
course. Now the guys are practicing their entrances, and they're
carrying a bunch of construction equipment and then not. I know I talk a
lot of shit about this show, but it really was a kind of funny bit to
see the guys learning how to walk on stage and do their little poses.
And then something magical happens. Hacksaw and Tony actually have a
bit of a fight. Something about one of them bumping into the other, and
then "Shut up", and "Shut me up", and "make me", and "make ME". Tony
turns around and says "It can happen." Hacksaw, "Well, if it can happen
it can happen." Tony, "I know, but it will, don't worry." This is
like the Lincoln-Douglas debates. Two master orators here. And then
Jesus Christ, Hacksaw gets really weird. He talks about how he's not
scared of Tony, and says "I've been in a fight before, and big muscles
don't mean SHIT, understand?" If you didn't see this, I have to point
out that Hacksaw is not talking to or yelling at Tony at this point,
he's yelling at the camera man, or whoever is conducting this
interview-y thing. "I'VE BEEN IN A FIGHT BEFORE", he continues, "AND
BIG MUSCLES DON'T MEAN SHIT TO ME!" Which, he just said twice, like,
back to back, and then got increasingly more angry with each word. It
was insanity. I guess it was like that thing that happens when someone
says something shitty to you and you blank out on the spot, but think of
the perfect retort on the car ride home. This was Hacksaw's perfect
retort. "I'VE NEVER BEEN THE BIGGEST, I'VE NEVER BEEN THE (smashing a
bottle or cup of water) GOD DAMN STRONGEST AND I GOTTA PUT UP WITH THIS
BULLSHIT, AND I'VE FUCKING ABOUT HAD IT!" TOUGH GUY, HOOOOO!
Tony explains that this has been brewing for 20 years, and they never
did and never will like each other. Come on guys, if being a part of
this amazing show can't bring you together, then I guess truly nothing
can. Hacksaw says he's not looking for a fight, but he's never backed
down before and he's sure not going to back down from Tony. He says to
the cameraman or producer, "You understand me, brother?" Maybe the
producer or whatever prodded him or hit a nerve with a question during
the interview thing, which is kinda what this actually seems like. They
figured, "Hey, let's fuck with Hacksaw and make him flip out. That
would be great television." Which, producers, it is.
And now, fuck me, after awesome craziness, we're back to a bunch of guys
dancing. The theme is Risky Business. And thankfully, they do
intercut it with Tony and Hacksaw still raging about whatever weird
thing is going on between the two of them. Hacksaw talks about how if
they (fought), nobody would come out of it well. All the guys have
their little bow ties and weird end of the sleeve cuff things, and the
audience is filtering in. Pat is excited. About being in front of a
crowd, that is. They get a pep talk before the show, and Roddy talks
about what a great challenge this is, and the show starts. The guys
finally walk on stage with their construction thingies, and do their
little dances and stuff. A sign in the background says, "Hard Men
Working", which, ew. Then they do their Risky Business thing, and the
guys go out into the crowd and dance with the poor audience. They
didn't show all that much of the guys dancing or anything, which, I'm
not complaining. The whole thing was kind of cute. I mean, not the
guys, or anything, but it was funnier than I thought it was going to
be. All the guys are happy and celebrate after the show.
Now they're on their way back to the house, and all the guys are talking
about how it was fun, but Howard wants to nip the Hacksaw/Tony thing in
the bud, before it escalates. Hacksaw smartly avoids Tony as we have
our food scene of the week. Roddy says he can feel the tension between
the two guys, as they show Tony and Hacksaw glancing at each other at
different times. Roddy says he feels caught in the middle, and would
take a bullet for both guys. He says he knows what it's like to be
disliked by everybody, so he understands Tony. He talks to Tony, and
says how he hasn't been himself, and that's he's been touchy, and he can
completely relate. Roddy says if Tony slept good, he'd be much better
off. It was a sweet scene, and Roddy is crying a little, and Tony looks
like he's misting up, too. There are glimpses within this show that
are really fascinating and interesting, and it's usually in these
non-contrived situations. Gene threatens at the end that the house is
definitely going to blow up.
Dare I say that this was an interesting episode?
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