This week, on Legends' House - bowling with old ladies! I don't really
like watching bowling with PROFESSIONAL bowlers, but old ladies and old
wrestlers? Count me in! Also, that first sentence might be constructed
strangely. I didn't mean that they were going to be bowling, using old
ladies as balls, although that might be interesting to watch. Also,
that last sentence might be constructed strangely. I don't think they're
going to be using old ladies as balls in any form, although that might
also be interesting to watch.
Previously, on Legends' House, Tony Atlas is annoying to live with.
Like, not annoying enough to make things interesting, or quirky enough
to make things fun (although he did really give it a go last episode),
but still, slightly annoying. Oh, and also they cooked and ate food.
Inside the Legends' House, Tony and Jimmy are working out, and the rest
of them are sleeping. Roddy yawns and says "holy cow". And I guess
that's that.
Later, Ashley walks in, and says hi to everyone, telling them they have
"fun things to do". I somehow doubt it, but I'm going to go ahead and
have extremely high hopes for this episode. Ashley says, "We've
accepted a challenge on your behalf from a local bowling league that has
called you out, and I've heard that they're pretty (snicker) tough."
Ha ha, ho. Fink seems extremely confident and says, "You are looking at
some of the greatest alleymen in the business." First of all,
"alleymen"? I've done my fair share of bowling, but I've never heard
that term. I'm fine with that, I mean, it might be common, and I am
able to figure out what it means (it means "bowlers"), but still,
weird. Also, what business? The ex-wrestling business? Anyway, he's
super excited. Also anyway, they have FIVE MINUTES to get ready! I am
sitting here, typing this review, wiping sleep from my eyes, and I'm
already ready to go bowling. It doesn't take much prep. Oh, I see - it
does in this case, because they show up at the bowling alley, and they
all have bowling shirts on. So they go in, and Hillbilly says, "We're
going to engage in a bowling contest!", which, thanks, Hillbilly and
editing team, I already was tracking with you. You just fucking showed
me and told me that they were going bowling. I've got this.
Anyway, it's old ladies, which would still not really be surprising even
if I didn't already know. It's whatever. They announce that they are
called "The Bowling Queens". Now we just need to know the name of
ladies' team! HA! Get it? Because...ugh. Hacksaw acts weird and
makes all the guys call them hoes. Or say "ho". And then they talk
about how they're all nice ladies, and I think Pat makes the obvious
joke I made earlier about wanting to meet the "desert queen", because
I'm really not that good at this. Also, I'm watching this on my
computer, and there's a little half loop control button at the bottom of
the video player with a 10 inside of it. Apparently this makes the
video go back 10 seconds, which is sadly useful for this kind of stuff.
Or would be, if it didn't just crash my player. So, upon rewatch, they
don't show show who says it, but it makes it look like Roddy actually
said it. Mean Gene acts like a perv and calls one of the ladies a
tomato. And we're off. Bowling. They talk about how dressy the
ladies' team is, and one of the ladies tells Tony that they'll go easy
on them. Which Tony is ok with, because he says he doesn't have a clue
what he's doing. Come on, man. Do you have no life experience at
all? You've never been near a horse, never been bowling? Even if
you've never been bowling, couldn't you pretty quickly figure it out?
Throw the round heavy at the standy white things. Make them fall.
Howard re-re-reiterates his confidence and they show a couple old clips
of him actually wrestling. Hilariously (and genuinely), he bowls
terribly - he does the thing where he doesn't know how to take the right
amount of steps, and ends up shuffling/tippy toeing up to the line, and
then throws it into the gutter. Jesus, all of them suck, as they show
them all bowling nothing but gutterballs. Mean Gene bowls one from the
concession stand, and the ladies alternate talking shit and trying to be
helpful to this poor, stupid man, telling him he can go all the way up
to the line before limp-wristedly wishing one in the general direction
of the pins. I'm also not positive Gene remembered to wear pants. It
looks like he's wearing old man boxers - and yes, I've seen my share.
Gene says "holy balls".
And of course, a montage of the girls getting lots of spares. The guys
all complain about how they didn't know the old girls would be such good
bowlers. Which, for one, of course they're going to be. And two,
they're not THAT good. They're not like senior tour champions or
anything, with wrist stabilizers and putting crazy spin on the ball.
They're just probably 50-65 year old housewives who go bowling on that
Tuesday night league, and probably finished second last year. Hacksaw
comments that they (The Legends) were playing their (The Queens) game,
but if they (The Queens) came into the ring, the Legends would beat the
devil out of them. WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT VERSION OF THIS SHOW?
The guys all talk about how competitive they are, and how they want to
win. Roddy says he used to be "the most feared man in the world". Ok,
but not really, Roddy. Whatever helps you sleep/wander into vacant lots
and howl/sleep again at night. Drums come in, and the guys are getting
fired up. A couple strikes, and then they show Hacksaw bowl an 8
(which, I guess is the best thing he did the entire time - even editing
can't cover up his shittiness, apparently), which leads into some
classic Hacksaw clips. A couple of the ladies are actually kinda
young-ish and hot-ish looking. When I saw the previews, I thought it
was going to be geriatric but professional female bowlers. Instead,
this show gives us some kinda old, sorta decent female bowlers. This is
a microcosm of this whole fucking thing, complete half-assery.
Then it's done, and the guys look at the scoreboards like fucking
cavemen seeing an iPhone. Jimmy absolutely amazingly says, "There's no
way to tell who won by looking at the scoreboards." I'm seriously
beside myself. THAT'S EXACTLY HOW YOU FUCKING TELL WHO WINS. You might
have to add a couple scores together for teams, but Christ. They were
electronic scoreboards. You didn't even have to make the little
slashies and x's or figure out the scoring on a spare or a 10th frame
strike or anything. Just add numbers together. Truly, truly amazing.
And then they show the results. The Legends...736 pins. The
Queens...876 pins. Are you seriously fucking shitting me? That's not
even close at all. You couldn't visually tell, without even technically
doing math or addition, that there was a big difference between those
scores? I can't. I can't do this anymore.
The next morning, Ashley comes back in wearing some short little leather
shorts and heels, and I guess I can muscle through just a little more
of this show. She informs the guys that they will be split into two
teams, and each team will have to make a 30 second commercial for a
local business. And what they should do, is, something like:
"Hi, I'm former WWE wrestler blah blah blah, and these are 3 other old
famous wrestlers. Buy Bob's Lumber." And, scene. Let's find out
together how they fuck this up. They look hesitant, but Ashley says,
"C'mon guys, it's just like cutting a promo." Which, fucking yes.
Exactly. Gene is the captain of one of the teams, and talks about how
it's right down his alley. Which, fucking yes. It sure is. They show a
clip of Gene with Rick Rude as something falls down in the background
and screw up his flow, which was actually really funny. I hadn't seen
that before. The other captain is Piper, and they pick teams. Tony is
the last person picked, probably because he's going to be the biggest
detriment to the entire process, and Ashley hands both captains
envelopes with instructions that they have to follow. One envelope says
"stay here", and the other says "Van is waiting". I hope Hillbilly Jim
or one of the guys explains what those envelopes mean, and what they're
going to have to do. "That means we get to hit the bricks." Cool,
thanks Gene. Jimmy says, "That means we get outta here first." Thanks
so much, Jimmy. On the other team, Tony says he wants to run the
camera. Roddy says no, because he doesn't think Tony could even run a
can opener. That's the blender/freezer calling the can opener black,
huh Roddy? Tony is sad because no one likes him. Aw.
Gene and his team of Patterson, Hart, and Hillbilly are taken to a car
wash. Gene is just completely shocked that he would be doing a
commercial for a car wash. I don't really understand why he is this
level of surprised, which is to say, any level of surprised, but
whatever. They meet a guy who could be the owner, or could just be the
cashier, and Pat makes a gay joke about blowing stuff. Jimmy says he
has a lot of "great idears", and is excited to show people what they can
do as a team. I'm not sure what that really means at all. I didn't
have any pre-conceived notions about this team and being able to make a
commercial for a local business. My expectations are zero. I'm pretty
sure it'll be stupid, but it's a local commercial for a car wash. Kinda
redundant. Meanwhile, a car pulls up to pick up the other dummies.
The driver of the car is wearing some very wacky yellow pants, which all
the guys comment on. His name is Mark, and he wants them to make a
commercial for his business. What business, you ask? He's gonna show
us! He opens the door to reveal...them cutting away to show the other
guys at the car wash! Are you kidding me? I'm on pins and needles! I
need to know, now. I consider fast forwarding or turning the show off
completely, but they show Gene and the guys writing the copy and
storyboarding. Actually, they seem to be doing a moderately decent
job. Pat is confused by simple colors as Jimmy annoys everyone.
And oh my stars, we finally get to see what was hidden inside the car -
plastic flamingos! This wacky guy with wacky pants has extra wacky
plastic flamingos. Mark goes on to explain that his business is renting
plastic flamingos to parties and special events. It's really weird,
I've ALWAYS wanted to own a business like that. You know, completely
stupid bullshit. Roddy is as confused and irritated as I am, as Hacksaw
hits himself in the face with a flamingo. But wait, there's more!
Also little yellow rubber duckies! You guys. I don't think I can make
it through this one. Where's Ashley and her legs? Mark asks
rhetorically, "Can't you just imagine a yard full of plastic flamingos,
and a pool full or rubber duckies?" Tony answers, extremely seriously,
"Yes. The answer is yes." I fucking howled with laughter at that. I'm
back on board. Tony just earned this show 5 more minutes of
watchability with that. Tony is way too excited about this. "My momma
used to say, a man never grows up, his toys just get more
espensive...unless they RUBBER DUCKY RUGGIE BUCKIES!" I swear to God he
said that, and again, redeemed this entire show.
Now back to the other guys, Jimmy Hart is fucking shit up. They've got a
bit about the vacuum, and Pat says something like, "Vacuums, they
really suck. Reminds me a lot of ...Piper...'s team." That came off
more dark than funny. And back to Piper's Ruggie Bucky team, Fink asks
where they should set up, and Roddy says, "I think outside.", completely
not joking. Wow, yeah. Tony wants the guys to take the joy of
flamingos more seriously than the other guys who are kinda fucking
around. Tony is SO excited and squeals "RUBBER DUCKLY DUCKLY!", as he
plays with the toys, and gets in all the guys faces, making sure they
love the stupid toys as much as he does. Meanwhile, back at the car
wash, everyone still thinks Jimmy is annoying. And immediately back to
team Rubber Duckly Duckly as Tony is just filled with joy when he
figures out a tripod. A couple of the guys shoot or rehearse their
parts, and then they show Tony on the ground, RUGGIE BUCKIES stuck to
his face and poured all over him, two Flamingos near his crotch, and
laughing like a donkey. He does a couple variations of "Rubber ducky
rucky bucky" for the commercial. A few minutes later, Tony says "less
is more". Yeah, it is, rucky buckly. They all complain about how
they're running out of time, and then just do boring arguments with each
other. Now, the other group is washing a car. The auto car wash
starts, and Pat gets way pissed. Jimmy gets blamed for it and says he
didn't do it. This is so very real and unscripted.
Roddy and the guys are doing silly things with the flamingos and saying
"Flock of flamingos" over and over. Then Tony is pretty much done, and
kinda retreats into a childish, "I'm not talking to anyone" kind of
way. But they're not the only ones with DRAMA! The other team is
reviewing the tape to see what caused the car wash to start, and it
turns out it wasn't Jimmy Hart! I knew it! I didn't care, but I knew
it. They end up blaming the owner/cashier for doing it, and I still
don't care. Pat cusses out the owner for pushing the button. You know,
Pat has such a weird way of talking. It's close to regular human
speech, but just a little off. It's like how in CGI there is an effect
when creating believable human characters, the more abstracted they are
from actual humans, the easier time our brains have of suspending
disbelief. But the closer they get to photorealism, even the smallest
difference can really throw us off and take us completely out of the
realm of believability. I guess I'm trying to say Pat Patterson's
accent is the uncanny valley.
I know I say this a lot, but this is really so very long. They could
definitely make this a 22 minute show and maybe it would be passable.
It's SO long. I've been watching this show forever now. They're all
back at the house, and Tony is mumbling to himself about how he's
upset. He tells Jimmy how he doesn't want to bond, and he's the
outcast, and he doesn't like the other people. Jimmy heads off, and
Tony Atlas sings "I'm alone again" to the tune of "On the Road Again",
and then burps. The commercial editors come in, and while I respect
editors and think film editing is fun and interesting and underrated and
absolutely vital, I can't think of too many things I'd rather watch
less than a video of people editing. The car wash one appears like it
might be semi-professionally done and looking pretty ok. The flamingo
one looks like a nightmare. Roddy Piper and Duggan awkwardly close to
the camera screaming "Flocko Flamingo! Flocko Flamingo!". Now I don't
even want to rent flamingos and rucky buggies because I'm too
frightened. Duggan is very positive that it's going to be perfect.
They're talking about what kind of music to put, and all the guys
immediately shut Tony up every time he tries to help. Tony storms off.
Roddy is pissed at Tony and vaguely threatens him. Not to his face,
but in the confessional-style interview cut ins they do. Roddy just
wants to get the job done, and Tony says he's done. Roddy half-assedly
tries to get Tony to rejoin the guys, and Tony says he's done. Again.
So Roddy accepts it.
Next morning, Howard thinks the commercial looks great. They're about
to have their commercials judged. Roddy calls Tony an asshole, but then
talks him up and they hug and laugh. Tony is thankful, and admits he
talks too much. Ashley comes in with Red & Link or Rhett and Link,
and I don't care, because Ashley is not dressed sluttily enough for my
liking. They make commercials or something, and they're gonna judge the
guys' commercials. They make good with the guys by saying how they
were huge fans, and had all their action figures and stuff. And now we
see the commercials. First up is the car wash, and it's really dumb.
But, on the other hand, if it were a small town and you saw Jimmy Hart
and Mean Gene doing a local commercial, that might be kinda neat. The
Reddened Lynx guys talk about how Pat was censored and bleeped out,
which you'll remember, was triggered by the owner pushing the button.
Which was part of the script, apparently. They just blew commercial
kayfabe. Mean Gene says he could see this playing during the Super
Bowl. He was obviously joking. Then it's the Rucky Buckies' turn, and
oh my God. It's absolutely terrifying. The judges say how bad it was,
but it was memorable. One of the judges says the exact same thing as I
just did, how it's memorable, but will haunt his nightmares. Roddy's
team wins. Ashley announces that both teams will be going to Vegas.
Roddy's team goes in a limo, the losing team goes in a van. Mean Gene
says balls again. The guys ride in the van and are upset about it, even
though it's nice enough and big enough. A trooper pulls over the limo
and WE'LL FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS, NEXT WEEK, ON LEGEND'S HOUSE!
<spoiler alert: nothing happens. Nothing ever happens.>
No comments:
Post a Comment